Stay Out

Ok, so this will be short, sweet and for my eyes only...

I want to use this as a vantage point for future reference. So my girlfriend of 5 or 6 months/friend for 6 years, has this diary on a website. She's been keeping it for quite some time. I always used to read it when we were together, but I hadn't kept up with it until we got back together. She locked it up almost be request because I didn't think I was ready to read what went on before me. Well, she undid it today and it took me not less than 15 minutes of reading to discover something that I didn't want to. It's this guy she used to date, and that she's still friends with. Is it weird that for 2 minutes every once in awhile that this bothered me before? Now it's sort of creeping in and bugging me even more. It has nothing to do with the guy himself, i've never been a jealous guy, I know who I am and what I'm worth. It's just how she feels, that's what gets me I'm thinking.

I've been left by someone for an ex when after we had moved in together and things had been patched up and we were moving to the point of getting back to being very good for each other again. Just like that, poof, I was on the outside and wondering where I had gone wrong. So excuse me for being a little hyper-sensitive about this issue.

I don't want her to stop being friends with this person. I firmly believe in the fact that friends are friends, and you can't come between that, especially good friends. I'm just torn right now, and the fact that there is distance between us makes it that much worse.

I have a complex about not being able to measure up to the people that I love the most. I'm not sure that I can provide everything that this person deserves, or at least more than what the other guy can do.

I don't want to push the issue too much and cause a rift, but I always have to know, I always have to dig a little bit deeper. I've always sacrificed personal piece of mind in my relationships than for the greater good of the union itself. I guess that makes me a selfesh person. Or does it?

For the longest time I've always relied on the prospective of "looking out for #1, because no one else is going to do this." When am I going to abandon this and put down the weight of the world, and open myself to start a life with someone else. Maybe the only reason this whole thing bothers me is because it's pointing out one of my greatest shortcomings, and it hurts. I've been carrying hate and anger for too long. I just pray that I've figured out how to purge some of that and how to contain it when I do get mad, I really am dreading this person seeing my darker side. She says she wants to see all sides of me, but I don't know how ready she is sometimes.

Now that I've written that, I now know that what I read isn't what is bothering me, it's me that is bothering me. It seems like my journey isn't done quite yet. Maybe the curse of distance in this relationship is a bit of a blessing in disugise, so I can relinquish the stain that I've carried with me for so long. I want so badly to just release all of it. From my parents divorce, to being degrated by my father, physcially and emtionally, from even being picked on to being beat up by the kids in my neighborhood. I know it sounds like I should be on Dr. Phil or something, but you can't imagine having your ass kicked from the age of 6 to 13, having to go out and deal with that from the older kids in your neighborhood, to having the sanctuary of your home being anything but that, you know what I mean I'm sure.

I'm not saying I've had the toughest life, but I'm waiting for something to pan out that is positive. As I've said, my brother finding my family is the only positive thing to happen in a very very long time. Hopefully this thing with Stephanie will yield the same results, that's what I'm really hoping for. I'm not pushing it, because it seems to be working out naturally, and for that I'm happy. I just have to realize that I'm not and haven't been the only person in her life, just like I needed to get that fact through my head with all the others. I don't want to point fingers, but she can hardly stand to hear about anything that had to do with past girlfriends, much less read what I did tonight. But now after typing this, it's fine. It was a classic Zach over reacation, and I'm glad it's taken me only 20 minutes to realize this rather than days months or years, like it used to.

At the risk of being more rambly, I'm done.

So let the countdown begin

Ok, so how obvious can one post on my blog get, but I'm not sure if I care that much. I'm excited to go and see my girlfriend this weekend, what of it? Sure, it's going to make the week go slow, and the fact that I'm going to make up my hours during the week rather than just take vactaion time will make said week even longer. That's ok, I really don't mind that much, I know the end result when I get down on Friday afternoon will make it worth it. I could go on and on about how excited I am, but who wants to read that? Well, maybe one lucky reader out there

Today at work the entire system went down, so I only had to work half a day. Hurray! Not much else is going on, just wanted to kill a little time and give you all a little update. Aren't I nice?

You also may be wondering what else I'm excited about this week, well the new Liz Phair CD comes out tomorrow, which always gives reason to celebrate. Along with the album listed below, which is quite tasty. It'll be a Best Buy day tomorrow!

Sometimes

Sometimes there comes a point in your life when you reach a fork in the road. Ok, so that may be an aweful cliche, and maybe not the strongest way to start something like this off, however it does make sense if you look at the situation just a little deeper. When you get to a certain point, some decisions may become more obvious than others. Most times you many have no indication of what lies ahead on the choices you make durning the course of a day. Sometimes, you are able to catch a glimpse into something that you know will change your life.

For nearly 17 years now, I have been friends with someone that I consider to be one of 3 people (non family members) that have truely been "best friends" in my life. Now it appears that this one person will slip from the ranks. It's quite sad really, this person and I have shared a lot (I mean A LOT) of memories and turmoil over the better part of 2 decades. Most people have good lifelong friends that they speak with in passing, maybe every few to several months. This friendship was not like that. We have been in constant contact over that time period and have become close like brothers, but on the filp side of that, sometimes I don't even know who this person is. I would say that it has been dying a slow death, at least since January. I would like to think that friendships that are as close to brotherhood as one can get, wouldn't be disrupted by a (you guessed it) girl. I've tried to respect this person, and the relationship that they have. I just cannot stand idle any longer while I watch this person change someone that I know to be a very lighthearted and giving individual. This person is taking advantage of my friend, and she has him so blinded that he is will to bend over backwards for not only her, but her child as well. Take it from someone who has been there before, you need to go in with a little more caution that what he has done. He has almost taken this child as one of his own, and she won't admit to her friends that they are even dating. She even goes as far to tell co-workers that she doesn't want to date my friend. And when someone hears about this, and decides to tell him, he takes the side of his psuedo girlfriend. Nice, huh? I tried not to take sides, however it has become appearent that that approach is not the best course of action.

This friend and myself got into an argument this weekend, and I told him to lose my number, and I would do the same. Let's say that his biggest issue is not being truthful when it comes to what he thinks and how he feels about you, until it's convenient for him to bring it up. It's never, "hey man, this thing that you are doing is bugging me." No, it's always when you ask him for a favor of some sort, the thing he claims to love dishing out. This is all conditional. So, I decided that in this point in my life, all his crap, all his "girlfriends" crap, and the crap they generate as a little unit has no room in my life. I'm standing at the crossroads, as mentioned above, with one of the people that I am the closest to.

I can't envision myself staying attatched to an individual who has no sense of loyalty or no sense of decency to those who have shown him nothing but the aformentioned values. It sort of hurts, but it also feels good to finally let all that go. It almost sounds like I'm breaking up with a girlfriend, doesn't it? But I think when you do get to the point of knowing someone for that long, and you can't really remember what it was like to not be friends with this person, it's not that far from the truth.

I almost seem like I need to streamline what I have up here before I'm able to move on to the next phase of my life. As you can see, living at home has it's advantages when it comes to allowing yourself time for self examination. You have the ability to stop and let things pass you, so you can get a good look at them. Life for some people is always moving on to what is next, sometimes you need to let life breeze by you for awhile so you can get to the next stop on your terms.

Back to the situation at hand, my friend is losing everyone he has ever known, and fast. In the last six months he has managed to surround himself with no one (to my knowledge) but this girl and her daughter. Well, some of her family members, but that's always a given. One day, when he wakes up and realizes after she leaves him, which I have no doubt she will once the meal ticket that is my former friend dries up, and that all of his friends have moved on, he will continue to be a very lonely person. I'm not sure if at that point in my life I will feel sorry for him. This isn't the first time that he has gone through a phase such as this, just not to the extent or the severity that it has reached now. I know this has been sort of rambly but there is a lot to put out there. Sometimes, you just have to do that and let it go.

I don't feel like it's been a waste, it has taught me some things about myself. I know where I don't want to be in life, and that's miserable, which is a common thread with this person right now. I don't regret helping him through his years of living with a mom that was a codependent to a crazy drunk, I don't regret helping him with his issues when it came to dealing with his dad early on in his teenage years. I especially don't regret helping him cope the last three years after losing his dad to a heart attack. Maybe that's all that was left in the tank, to help him see his way through that until he decided to move on with his life. Maybe he's doing that, it's just from what I can tell, it's not the healthiest relationship to be in. But when you grow up under the roof that he did, and with the mother that he did, I'm sure he wouldn't feel right if he wasn't being abused or controled by a woman. I'm sure he'd make one hell of a case study.

All in all, sometimes you just have to say "It's time to move on."

Who said these things had to be long?

Just wanted to comment on the fact that it's a great day out, and I have the day off. Lucky me! I went and paid off my first ever speeding ticket today, and went and worked out. Very motivated!

Later, I'll be mowing the lawn and watching the Cheifs play. Suddenly, I have and adoptive AFC team to follow.

Anyway, I'll be sure to post more excited updates

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

Ok, so it's a Wednesday night and I have nothing to do. What's worse? I have nothing to do and I'm at home. Not like home like most of you think of it as, like home with my Mom. I'm just not fully adjusted to how this is going to work. I'm sure I won't be for awhile. I haven't lived here in quite some time. Nothing really seems to hold my interest, as far as what to do around the house. I can't exactly tell you what I did around the house when I lived with Cory (former roommate) but all I can say is that I didn't quite feel like this about things.

The only thing that actually keeps me going is that there is a valid point to all of this. Doing this now is going to make the future that much more worth it. I know I'll become accustomed to all of this, probably very shortly. I don't think that my feeling like this says anything about the situation, I think that any 25 year old that moved home would feel the same way. Unless you have issues with living on your own I guess. I think I could hook up my video game stuff, do that. However, it's still not really "gaming season" for me. I think that falls somewhere between pheasant and deer season in South Dakota, har har.

I'm just sort of restless with a lot of things right now, I think that the current living situation magnifies that quite a bit. I know my reasonable side will kick in sooner than later and rationalize the why in all of this, so it's not like I'm worried. Just thought I'd spill a little bit on here, while my Mom bakes chocolate chip cookies...haha. Jealous aren't you?

Elaboration

Ok, so I didn't exactly get into anything I was writting about last night. I got on and a few people decided to IM me so I was chatting at the same time as trying to do my update.

Like I said last night, the past week and a half/two weeks have been very hectic, at least under the surface. Usually when things become slightly chaotic in my head, it's news to everyone else. Call it my desire to not burnden anyone else with larger issues. It's not like this issues of mine are bad, per se, just makes for interesting thought.

Also, like I said last night, I couldn't have asked for a better time with Stephanie when she came to town now almost two weeks ago. You know what that means, almost down to two weeks until I go down there...I'm counting the hours. Instead of doing an in depth recap (my better half does that so much better anyway) I'll just stick to the fact that it was a great and relaxing weekend. Not for one minute did I wish I was somewhere else the entire time she was here, which made her leaving the next Tuesday all that much more tough. I will say this, I am a hell of a cook, haha. Well, I'm one for two anyway, in my opinion.

On the subject of moving back home. I guess that was something that needed to be done in my eyes. I'll be much better off when I do move down to the big KC if I can save a few g's over the course of the next year. So, another step taken in the "big plan." The next thing on the menu will be the job switch, which is something I'm really looking forward to, however my company likes to move at a snails pace, so I won't be holding my breath, but I know it's going to happen. Somehow I just have a feeling about all of this, and it's good for once.

I guess I'm going to open up a little bit about this person, since some people that read this are close and personal...Out of anyone I've ever dated or been with (whatever you'd like to call it), she has opened my eyes to a lot of things I never realized about myself. For the longest time after my parents divorce and my upheaval in my family and some poor dating decisions in the past, I really locked myself up tight as of late. I know that sounds like a terrible cliche, however I find that to be a very true and honest assessment of what is going on. Everytime I talk to her, share a moment, or see her it seems to cut away some of the barbwire fencing that I've had wrapped up around me for the past 10 years. I know I'm a guy, and it's seen as not very masculine to talk like this, but it is a very moving thing for me. It's amazing how much emotion you carry, and how long you carry it is equally astounding.

Even thought it's a period of adjustment, I'm very happy with where I'm at in my life now. I wouldn't trade anyone for what I have now, and what it seems I'm on the verge of attaining. Simple as that

Neglect

Ok, so I know it's been awhile by my standards to write on here, but I've had a sort of topsy turvey two weeks.

Stephanie came up to good ol' So Dak two weeks ago. More like a week and a half, but whatever. I will say that we had an excellent time. I like the fact that we can be around each other and not have to constantly entertain each other, we just love each other's company, and that is what is really great. We didn't do a whole lot, because, well there isn't much to do in Sioux Falls. She came over to my Mom's on one of the nights and passed one of our family tests, watching a Nebraska game. I think the wine helped . The few days after that were fairly laid back, which I enjoyed quite a bit. Even though I think on my next trip to KC we'll have a bit more to do. I hated to see her go that Tuesday, but everything is still going so well, I couldn't ask for a better deal, sans distance of course.

Ok, so I'm living at home. I moved back in with my Mom to help me with the above situation. If you can add 2 and 2 and get 4, then you know exactly what I mean. I live in Sioux Falls, she lives in Kansas City, so you do the math. I don't want to comment on this too much, as I'm superstitious.

So I'm sure I'll be writting more as I adjust to the new environment.