What Zach Is Watching

Current mood: thirsty
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Here is a little synopsis of what my diet of television consists of these days. Some of it anyway. Why am I choosing to write about this? Well, it's a little lighter subject material than my Santa Porn entry. We need a little irreverence every now and then. Even though in no way is this critical or a satirical piece. At least I don't think it will be, I just like the word. Irreverence.

How I Met Your Mother- Yeah, I know what you are thinking. "Why would you watch a network TV sitcom?" I know, I can't think of the last time I ever liked a TV sitcom. The only situational comedies I watched as a teen and adult on the big four are The Simpsons, Married…With Children and Seinfeld, and that show was only in small doses. This show bends the rules for me a bit. Maybe it's because I identify with the subject material. It's basically about a show revolving around a group of friends that include two couples and a poon hound bachelor type. It's funny, the part of the womanizer is played by recently out of the closet Neil Patrick Harris of Doogie Howser and Starship Troopers fame. The situations that they are in are realistic, and the sense of humor they have is almost similar to the group of friends I hang around with. Well, at least to a certain extent. My fiancé turned me on to this show on CBS and I've been recording them on my fancy schmancy DVR for about a month. One of the episodes from Monday cemented this show's writer's ability for me. Not just because of the usual witty dialogue, but because they played a song by Islands during the program. Check my front page and click on the third video down, that's the same song they played. For me, that was pretty cool.

Classic Albums- This show on VH1 Classic rounds up all the classic rock albums you love or love to hate and tell you how they were made by the ones that made them. The first one I watched was Queen's "Night at the Opera." Now, I love Queen. I have since Wayne's World. It was great, I love seeing how songs were written and the studio magic that goes into rock albums that aren't just live recordings. Some of the profiles miss in a big way, like Meatloaf's "Bat Out Of Hell." It helps if you actually like the album they are doing the special on. For me, on the Aja special, Donald Fagan of Steely Dan fame rapping "Uptown baby, uptown baby" the lyrics for Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz song "Déjà vu (Uptown Baby)" who took the baseline and sample from Steely Dan's "Black Cow" is worth the price of admission. I also like watching VH1 Classic for the rehashes of 120 Minutes. Trust me, that show is not as cool as you remember, that is if they're playing the same videos they used to. Somehow I don't think they are.

Formula One Racing – I detailed this in a separate post. Read about it here.

The Soup, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report – I'm lumping these three together because they are my favorite satirical comedies that revolve around the pop culture and political worlds. The hosts are great, and the writers are even better.

The Office, My Name Is Earl and 30 Rock – Remember what I said about only liking a few sitcoms? Well, I lied. I watch The Office because it's just flat out hilarious. If you have cable or a dish and BBC and like the American version, watch the British version, it's even better. Earl is great because I like a tale of morality every now and then, even if it is played out by ignorant rednecks. 30 Rock is awesome because it's funny, Alec Baldwin is hilarious and Tina Fey is hilarious and hot. Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan should not be overlooked either. I know it's familiar territory for Fey to be writing about being a writer on a sketch comedy show, but it's done very well and if being on the set and in the building at Rockefeller Square, I would have loved to work there with all of them.

South Park – Probably the best satirical comedy on television, and it's a cartoon. This show used to be about bathroom humor and little kids cursing, but it's turned into a full blow black eye on the self important in America. I love this show more than any on TV, and I love that the creators are ambiguous in their political stance so they can make fun of both sides. Plus, they devoted two whole episodes to make fun of Family Guy, which I hate.

College Football Live – They just started this show this week. It's like NFL Live on ESPN but about college football, brilliant! I love college football, like, a lot. For sure.

I probably watch a bunch of other shit but I can't remember everything. I watch Adult Swim quite a little bit. That's all for now.

Currently listening : Everclear By American Music Club Release date: By 04 October, 1991

6:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

MontERNa

Sigh. And I was waiting for "Actors I (We?) Hate." Dadgummit. Posted by MontERNa on Thursday, July 26, 2007 at 12:39 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

The Collective Works of Zach Swalley

Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Blogging

I have been on MySpace for over a couple years now. If you didn't know, we are approaching the two year anniversary of my MySpace blog. In order to celebrate this momentus occasion, I have done something simply amazing. I have copied and pasted my entries, every single one of them, into two Word files just in case something happens to MySpace.

Because I'm a numbers whore, this is what I came up with. All my entries total 205 pages and 97,667 words. Each part is about 100 pages. The first part is from August 3, 2005 through February 8th of 2007. The second installment is from February 14th 2007 to July 19th 2007. This tells me two things. One, I'm afforded a lot of spare time at my new job. Two, my ability to write about bullshit is getting better. My first entry was about losing my first entry and spans all the way to my retelling of my first experience with pornography and my disillusionment with Santa Claus. See how I've progressed?

If you would like your own transcript, send me your email address and PayPal $10 for my memoirs. You won't be disappointed. Ok, you don't have to PayPal $10, but you can if you want to and is highly suggested by my editor, who I am yet to pay for services rendered.

Currently listening : Strawberry Jam By Animal Collective Release date: 17 September, 2007

Santa Porn

Current mood: shocked
Category: Life

Just a warning about this entry. If you are easily offended, you probably shouldn't read it. It's not that bad, but I'm just saying. You know what I'm saying?

I feel like I'm missing something the past week or so. I've been easily frustrated and I'm not exactly sure of the reason why. I haven't even felt much like writing, which has been something I can always do. I don't have anything to say, to me, that is kind of scary. I even watched "Rock of Love" on VH1 last Sunday because I felt there may have been a potential post in the show. Unfortunately, there was too much reality show stupidity in that show to even articulate a single word. If you don't know what I'm referring to, it's like Flavor of Love, but with a white, aging rocker as opposed to a black, aging rapper. I've always hated Poison. Well, I'll take that back. I liked Poison in 3^rd grade for about four months. Hey, I was eight, sue me. Watching 25 strippers, rocker chicks and the obligatory crazy lady paw at and claw at each other didn't give me any inspiration to say anything. Did your parents ever say only to speak if spoken to, or only say something if it is important? Mine never did.

This morning while getting ready for work I was in the shower listening to a SModcast. It's a podcast where Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier are sitting around talking about bullshit, that's about as descriptive as it gets but it's very funny to me. Smith was talking about stealing porno magazines and comics from a bookstore when he was 11 or 12 and his first dealings with pornography. Then I started thinking about the first time I was turned on to porn. Too easy, I know.

I'm sure I saw the occasional Playboy or Penthouse lying around someone's house or in their parents' bathroom before I knew what it was. My first full on experience was actually seeing a XXX-rated movie when I was about eight or nine. I was over at my friend Joe's house and it was the middle of the summer and we were just hanging out doing kid shit. I knew he was friends with some older kids up the street, and one day in particular he said we should go up there and hang out with them because this friend had just called. We must have been bored with playing in his backyard or playing Nintendo. He said they were watching a movie and they said we just HAD to come over and see it.

We make it over to said friend's house to see what strange yet awesome movie they had in store for us. We couldn't wait to see what fascinating motion picture we were about to view. Such amazing adventures that children embark on in the freedom of summer vacation.

We walked in the front door (hey, I grew up in Sioux Falls, South Dakota) and went down to his basement. I remember walking down the stairs and seeing Joe's friend Chris and two other boys I'd never met before all sitting on a couch. The TV was up against the wall that supported the stairs leading to the basement, so all we could see was the look on their faces. It was the look of fascination, but not just any regular wonderment. It was as if these kids that were about three years older than us had just seen the face of God. I remember turning the corner and not really being able to make out what was on the screen. I remember that I could hear a lot of moaning, almost like the guy who's voice I could hear was struggling with something. It almost sounded like he was doing some heavy lifting. What I saw next was probably the most shocking thing I've ever seen in my life, relative to one's level of innocence and the material they are viewing.

Do you remember when you found out that Santa Claus wasn't real? Did someone at school tell you? Or was it an older sibling who told you because you were annoying them and they wanted you to stop, so they did the most shocking thing they could think of and tell you Santa was not real? Maybe your parent's finally sat down and broke the news to you that it was in fact them placing the presents under the tree. They, in fact, were the people eating the cookies and milk. Well, this is how I found out Santa Claus wasn't real.

When I was able to make out what was on that TV screen, every ounce of my naiveté flew out of me like air coming out of a balloon and flying around the room. Looking back on it then and now, I could actually feel it happening. I remember seeing him, in his red coat partially unbuttoned and his big black belt around his ankles along with his pants. There was a woman on her knees in front of Santa doing something, I couldn't quite tell. She had his hat on too which was an added bonus and I could tell she was naked. The camera panned up to his face and it was some dude in a beard and white wig, but he didn't look that old. In all actuality, I think the guy was about 22. I thought, in my own childlike innocence, "Santa looks like he's in pain, what's wrong?" Then the camera panned down and there was something wrong with Santa's penis. It was huge! Needless to say, I was a little confused because mine didn't do that. I'm surprised at how calmly I assessed the situation, it was the exact opposite reaction my friend had. He was flipping out and screaming "what the fuck is that?!? Is that Santa's dick?" We had potty mouths at an early age in my neighborhood. I asked why that naked woman was putting Santa's penis in her mouth. I thought it was really weird. Why would a girl want to stick that in her mouth? It's a question I've repeated many times, just under different circumstances and slightly altered. One of the guys casually said, "What's the matter? Haven't you kids seen a girl give Santa Claus a blow job before?" That was officially it, childhood over.

I stood there petrified. Of course, being as young as I was, nothing was, um, really going on with my body. I knew that I liked it, but at the same time it scared the crap out of me. I didn't know if I should cheer and praise Jesus or start crying and run home to Mommy. We watched the whole damn scene, all the way to fruition. "Looks like Santa made some egg nog," the other kid said with a laugh. I didn't understand what that was all about, either. I thought Santa peed on this woman, and I didn't know what to do. I'm serious, that's what I thought. Like I've always done in my life, I asked a lot of questions. Joe's friend was nice enough to explain what he had learned the year before in 6^th grade sex education. So, now I knew how babies were really made. Well, sort of. I still didn't understand the guy "doing his thing" on the chicks boobs. I said "well, he missed, didn't he?" I still remember those three almost falling off the couch with laughter.

Joe and I left Chris's house that afternoon. I'm not sure if Joe knew Santa wasn't real, but now I did. So in the span of about 45 minutes I had come to the realization that Santa Claus wasn't real, learned what a blow job was, not to mention ejaculation, vaginal intercourse and anal sex also being on the curriculum for the day. Oh yeah, I didn't mention that did I? During the movie, Santa's little helper requested the services of Santa in her backdoor.

I didn't talk to my parent's about it. I thought I would get in trouble. I haven't told either one of my parent's about it to this day, ever. I might tell my Dad some day, because he's cool about stuff like this. My Mom though? I'll probably let her go to the grave never knowing how I found out that Santa is not real, and how babies are really made. Sort of. All from watching a porno. Who said I didn't have anything so say?

Currently listening : A Night at the Opera By Queen Release date: 03 September, 1991

Happy Birthday, Dr. Thompson

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Whoring Myself For You...Social Networking Style

Current mood: dirty
Category: Friends

With MySpace and the few blogs I maintain, I thought it would be a good idea to make a Facebook page as well. Why not? I've had a few requests to do so, and I'm not one to disappoint my fans. So, if being my friend in real life and on MySpace isn't enough, you have my permission to friend me on Facebook now. Three levels of friendship for the price of one. How nice.

Currently listening : Tanto Tempo By Bebel Gilberto Release date: By 25 April, 2000

6:47 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Stephanie	really? Facebook? I thought that was for high school kids. Could be sorely mistaken though. You voyeuristic whore. :) Posted by Stephanie on Monday, July 16, 2007 at 8:18 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Zach	No, it's for people that did not get enough attention as a kid. Maybe it's just me. Posted by Zach on Monday, July 16, 2007 at 8:20 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Derek	I've been on there for a little bit less than i have been on here. I guess i didnt get enough attention as a teenager too. Posted by Derek on Monday, July 16, 2007 at 8:23 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	MontERNa	Copycat! And my 3 cents on the previous comments - Facebook was initially designed for college students. I first learned of it when I started law school. So there. Posted by MontERNa on Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 9:37 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Zach

Alright sassy-pants, I signed up for this months and months ago but never did anything with it. :p Posted by Zach on Wednesday, July 18, 2007 at 12:27 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

I've Got a New Sensation

Right now. I actually kind of liked INXS when I was a kid, I think I even have some songs of theirs on my iPod. But my "new sensation" is not Aussie pop bands from the 80's. No, it's my new sport that I've been following. This sport comes from the world of racing. No, I'm not a new NASCAR fan and I'm not putting Dale Earnhardt Jr's stickered number on my car. For the past three to four weeks I've been getting into the world of Formula One Racing. I always liked open wheel racing when I was a kid. My Grandpa actually took me to the Indianapolis 500 in 1991. I even used the F1 car all the time in Rad Racer. I'm not much of a fan of the Indy Circuit anymore though, and I used to watch NASCAR with some friends of mine but never really truly got into it. For some reason, it just wasn't for me. I'll still watch NASCAR, but I don't have a certain driver I follow and I don't really follow the points standings or anything else related to the sport.

So, why do I like F1 racing so much? I feel it's because it caters more to the tech side of me than anything else. While NASCAR relies more on horsepower and some aerodynamics, F1 cars focus on these elements to a sickening degree and on the latest in electronic and computerized technology in racing. They also still have the element of the chassis differing from each other, while NASCAR is opting for the same across the board. It takes the excitement out of the Ford vs. Chevy vs. Dodge element to racing. I like the rivalry between the manufacturers, or constructors as they're called in F1. The vehicles in F1 are more powerful, they are more agile, and I believe they take a little more skill and natural ability to drive than any iteration of a race car on the planet.

Drivers have to stay in peak physical condition year round to accomplish a successful season. You won't see too many drivers like Tony Stewart crawling out of an F1 car anytime soon. That's not to say I don't like Stewart, he's actually one of the few real drivers I like in NASCAR. F1 racing just seems like it takes more effort for the drivers, and that interests me. It sort of puts to rest the debate of "are race car drivers athletes?" Maybe driving a car isn't athletic and it is more of a skill set, but that is not to say that the drivers themselves are not at all athletic in any way.

I've always had a "thing" for international competition and vehicles. I was the kid who had posters of Ferrari's, Porsche's and Lamborghini's on his wall as a kid. That by no means makes me special, but I never lost interest in the performance, beauty and appreciation I have for these vehicles and the men and women that make them. An F1 car is almost the pinnacle of the driving forces behind these cars I loved as a kid and still love today. Teams operate with cars made by McClaren-Mercedes, Ferrari, BMW, but also Renault, Toyota and Honda. You may associate some of those cars with soccer mom's, but that Accord your Mom drives was made by a company that also makes a car that can produce 750 horsepower from a 2.4 liter V8 that grinds that power out at 19,000 rpm's. Most of our cars will "top out" at 7,000 to 8,000 rpm and have motors larger than 2.4 liters. For anyone that knows anything about cars that fact is pretty astounding.

I watched my first full race this week, the British Grand Prix and for me, it was the most exciting race experience I've had while watching at home. Maybe a close second behind watching Dale Earnhardt win the 1998 Daytona 500. I don't care if you are a racing fan or not, it's pretty cool to see someone accomplish something they've been aspiring to all their lives. The races are all road courses, which show the nimble grace these cars have while diving into a turn at speeds upwards of 180mph. The ability for these cars to accelerate faster than any other race car (outside of drag racing) is their ability to stop just as quickly. The races are generally about 50-60 laps and last only about two hours, which in my opinion, is the perfect amount of time. Not only are you racing against other drivers and overtaking other vehicles, you are relying more on pit strategies, the amount of fuel you put in your cars and pre-race day and pre-season results from testing.

The race I watched had two cautions that lasted less than a lap. Total. Ever watch a NASCAR race and how many cautions they have and how much time it takes up? Very frustrating. The organization is a well oiled machine (pun intended) and the crews and race marshals work faster and with more efficiency than any other race organization on the planet. Pit stops last all of about eight seconds. This results in the pace of the racing maintaining a level of excitement 95% percent of the time. The start is a great deal more fun for me also. F1 racers start from a dead stop rather than a rolling start. Seeing skilled drivers fight for position out of the gate is almost like watching a horse race.

I think the other main reason I'm beginning to really appreciate and love this sport is how it is set up and arranged. There are fewer drivers and even fewer teams. It makes it more polished and easier to keep up with. I think that has more to do with the fact that F1 and the logistics of keeping up with it caters to my OCD because it is very structurally sound. At least during the season. There is something very appealing to me about the international flavor of it as well, which I briefly mentioned before. I like the fact they tour from country to country in locations like Australia, Germany, Brazil, Japan and Italy. The list goes on and on. The drivers being diverse is also something that is very interesting as well. I like seeing people from different walks of life come together to compete. I think this sounds silly and you might too, but it's almost like a Street Fighter tournament but with race cars. Seeing all the different flags next the drivers and teams is something that is very cool. American racing seems so homogenized and boring at times. I'm not trying to sound like a snob, and I'm not the type of person to say that NASCAR is for rednecks, even though they do make up a significant portion of their audience. I have a lot of cool friends and family members that like NASCAR.

I'm not saying F1 is better, because that is subjective and open to debate. I can honestly say that I prefer F1 to anything else and that it keeps my interest more than anything the world of racing has to offer. It is surprising that something that is as well known internationally as this sport is, is something that not many people I know keep up with. Keeping up with the NFL, Major League Baseball and the NBA is a very insular approach to watching sport, at least on a global level. Just look at the last decade in baseball and in basketball, we are no longer the dominating force we were just five years before that. The rest of the world has caught up and I think it's time we stop our posturing and our thought process that we are the best at everything just because we are from the United States. Even the very vocabulary we use in calling ourselves "American" is very arrogant when the two continents in the Western Hemisphere are "American." I think every generation needs to fight for this greatness we feel belongs to us. Our ability to do great things on a global level and be rewarded for those actions is not a birthright, and not something that should be taken for granted. Sport is a microcosm for international relations across the board. I've always believed in that. Sure, at the end of the day it's just a game, but it does give cause for awareness. Differences can be settled in a friendly and professional environment. And to see these drivers from different backgrounds, ideals and language barriers do this over the course of a racing season, makes me feel good about the world I live in, at least for a couple of hours. For me, I always try to look for something bigger than the sport itself, and other times I just like to sit back and watch a good game or a good race. I feel like I get the best of both worlds now watching Formula One Racing.

Below is a lap from probably the greatest F1 driver in my lifetime, Michael Schumacher.

battles

Current mood: drained
Category: Music

last night I went to see the band that's been playing on my page for the past several weeks. battles is a group that is made up of some fairly recognizable musicians. drummer john stanier is a founding member of the band helmet. guitarist and keyboardist ian williams is a veteran of the pittsburgh rock scene and former member of don caballero. tyondai braxton, son of jazz musician anthony braxton, creates live on stage samples with his vocals while playing guitar and keyboards. former lynx (?) guitarist and bassist dave konopka rounds out the quartet.

my friend john and I went to the record bar in westport to see this group. a crowd larger than expected showed up and formed a fairly large line outside to get in. I think it was an 18+ show and attracted a few more people. we sort of hung back during the first band. during the next band's set, we moved a little closer to the stage to get in position for the headliner.

i haven't been in a fight for about seven years. last night on the way back from the restroom, someone took issue with me moving back to my spot, so he tried to physically block me from walking past him. my attitude has always been if at a show and you have now desire to claim my spot and move up and you wish to "hang back" then get out of my way when I'm headed back to where my friend(s) are at. he asked if I was going to be a dick, and I said yes. I sort of muscled my way around him. then I heard his voice behind me saying "fag!" very creative.

the unfortunate thing about last night is that the two opening acts took a little too much time on stage. by the time battles hit the stage to play, it was already 12:30. the problem with this is that the record bar has a closing time of 1:30, so we only got to see them for an hour.

the show itself was excellent and the members are extremely proficient at the music they play. if you've listened to any of their recorded material you would know that it would seem like a difficult task to perform this music live. they pulled it off in a big way. stanier was able to keep all the looping and sampling together in time and reminded me why he is one of the best rock drummers you don't know anything about.

battles are also a band that is not fond of people going too nuts at their shows, even though their music is very energetic. a few fellows in the crowd were sort of losing their minds and ended up pissing a lot of people off. I can sort of understand not wanting to be shoved around at a show and wanting to just enjoy the music and live performance. then again it sort of left me wondering if any of these people had been to a show where you had to protect yourself up front. I don't really think so. this caught the attention of braxton and prompted him to stop the show and call the kids out and tell them to calm down. to me, there is nothing worse than the band stopping and telling you specifically to relax.

all in all, it was one of the best shows I've been to all year and I'd love to see them again when the come back around. hopefully next time they'll get to play for longer than an hour. they even turned on the houselights before they were done playing.

this may be the most simplistic writing from me in a long time.

Currently listening : Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? By Of Montreal Release date: 23 January, 2007

Blast From The Past...Part II

Current mood: calm
Category: MySpace

Welcome to the second installment of "Blast From the Past." Some people were unsure of who my last subject was. This time around I'm going to make it a little easier for you. Most everyone that reads this blog is about my age, and should have no issues remembering one Freedom Williams. If the name Mr. Williams bears is not ringing a bell, it's for good reason. It's because the multi-platinum selling C+C Music Factory was the name of the group he was in. You remember such hits where Freedom was coaxing us to "jump to the rhythm, jump jump to the rhythm" or commanding us to "hit the dance floor" because "it's gonna make you sweat till you bleed." I've busted a move in my day, but never to the point of bleeding. That must be why Freedom's abs are still in tip top shape. They also prompted 80's/90's talk show host Arsenio Hall to have a segment in his show titled "Things That Make You Go Hmmm" lifted from the title of their other hit song.

I was always disappointed they didn't go with their first name, 2 Puerto Ricans, A Black Man and A Dominican. I was also disappointed that the group was unable to duplicate their hit making abilities beyond the early 90's. The group faced controversy when the woman lip syncing in the video for "Gonna Make You Sweat" got busted and could not overcome the untimely death of founder and second 'C' David Cole in 1995. Despite all of this Freedom has a MySpace page that is quite detailed. You can even check up on Mr. Williams's abs and make it your desktop background.

And there you have it, your next blast from the past, Freedom Williams.

Blast From the Past I

Currently reading : Summer of '49 (P.S.) By David Halberstam Release date: 09 May, 2006

Michael Bay, I Hate You

Current mood: disappointed
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Michael Bay, I hate you. That much is easy to say, finding out how so much irreparable damage has been done by his hand is a little more difficult. I've decided to delve deep into why I dislike Michael Bay.

Michael Bay likes the big summer blockbuster. He's been making movies that are released in the summer for a few years now, almost to a sickening degree. Let's start at the most recent event. On July 3^rd, two days ago, I paid to go see Transformers. Up until now Bay has been creating intellectual property that is not very original, that much we all know. This movie is the closest to home for me. I, along with many other readers of this blog, grew up with the Transformers. Few things are sacred to young men my age, one is that of the boyhood charm of the giant robots that filled our afternoons on TV and crazy creative play sessions with the action figures, helping to develop our imaginations. I know the show and animated movie were vehicles for Hasbro to hock some toys, but that was ok because they were just shills for the toys themselves, not other products which leads me to my first issue with the movie.

The Autobots (those are the good guys) originally transformed into vehicles that were meant to aid humans. Ambulances, fire trucks, tractor trailers. On the television show Xbox's and Mountain Dew vending machines did not transform into robots. In the live action movie, the Autobots didn't just turn into vehicles, they turned into General Motors vehicles. Clever product placement indeed. Every time I turn on the TV the past week or so I have seen no less than 3,758 "Transform Your Ride!" commercials. I knew this was coming, but I wanted to believe otherwise. Shame on me for believing that Bay would deliver in the respect of not whoring out his movie for advertisement space in a feature film. In the background, fine. In the action of the movie? No thanks.

Issue number two, the amount of incredibly ridiculous over-acting. The interaction between hapless Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) and typical eye candy Mikaela (Megan Fox) are about as hollow as most performances in any fill in the blank Bay feature. However, the dialogue between Sam and his parents is some of the worst overacting and non-humorous script writing while attempting to be funny script writing I've ever seen in my life, and I've seen a lot of bad movies. The worst crime is reserved for the interaction between the Autobots themselves and the environment they are placed in. They looked about as comfortable as a guy wearing Milk-Bone underwear at a dog show. I've watched the animated feature very recently, and some of the old series episodes. The Autobots were not bumbling idiots, with the exception of the Dinobots and Blurr. Blurr was the dumbest and most annoying Transformer next to Wheelie. Back to the actual real actors in the movie. When the original animated movie had more acting talent in it than the live action movie, you have a problem. Even John Tuturro sucked. Call me sentimental, but I'll take Judd Nelson over Josh Duhamel any day of the week. You say Jon Voight? I say Orson Wells.

Issue number three, historical inaccuracies. I understand taking something and making it your own, but don't screw it up beyond the point of recognition. Optimus Prime not wearing his mask the entire movie? Starscream looking like they dug him out of his fat Elvis period and dressing him up enough to put him in the movie for 10 minutes? Devastator was a combination of all the Constructicons forming one giant robot, not some tank. Megatron looked more monstrous and primitive than an evil, conniving, run of the mill Transformer type looking character. Not one mention of Energon Cubes, and no damn Soundwave. How do you leave out Soundwave? When they announced they were bringing back Peter Cullen to voice Prime, I thought the picture was going in the right direction. Did I want some things to vary from the original show? Of course. Did I want all the original voices to come back, or at least make an effort to process Starscream's voice? You better believe it. Am I asking too much? I don't think so. The movie had a one billion dollar budget. For that much they could have resurected Robert Stack to come back and do a voice in the movie.

Issue number four, the idiots that applauded for the movie in the theater. I thought it was just maybe the group I saw the picture with, however my friend Derek said that in a theater in Sioux Falls they did the same thing. It may have been kids that didn't grow up with the awesome generation one toys, or the original series and were raised on the crappy Armada series, but I heard a lot of adult cheers as well. You're all going to hell for liking this movie, because Michael Bay is Paris Hilton's evil minion number one in our entertainment hell on Earth. As I mentioned before, I'm convinced Hilton is the Anti-Christ and Bay is doing her bidding in the motion picture industry. Hilton was born the same year Bay got his start as a crew member on Night Court. Coincidence? I'll let you decide.

Bay has directed and produced some of the worst shit I've seen in a movie in my life. After saying that I won't lie, I own three Bay flicks on DVD. They are Armageddon, Bad Boys and Bad Boys II. I don't like them that much, but for some reason I purchased them. It must have been my hallucinate period where the ghost of Don Simpson made me purchase stupid movies. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of going to movie to get away from my trials and tribulations, but I don't want to spend that time and money on a movie that is vapid and completely devoid of substance either. Steven Spielberg, who was an executive producer on Transformers, wrote the book on blockbuster movies. The main element Bay's films lack in comparison to Spielberg is the connection between all the action and finding heart in all of it. Watch E.T. or Jaws and take a few notes Mike. Studios give Bay an endless budget and he turns out crap. I'd like to see a great filmmaker take a crack at a movie like this with the same type of cash behind him or her. Then again, you have to have Cybertonian ego to make a movie about giant, transforming robots, and Michael Bay has that ego in spades.

Currently listening : Mirrored By Battles Release date: By 22 May, 2007

7:27 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Derek

First off, im pretty sure they were called the "Constructicons", but thats neither here nor there. Second, i hope you read my blog too. And third, and most people at the comic store agree with me, there's almost no way the sequel could suck as much as this one, so thats a plus. The amount of anger this film has instilled in me could fuel about 1 million energon cubes!!! Eject Eject Eject!!! "No one calls my buddy Soundwave uncrasimatic". lol Posted by Derek on Friday, July 06, 2007 at 8:24 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]