Changing Gears

Current mood: annoyed
Category: Sports

You know what I don't like? Getting questioned about the teams that I like. I kind of get sick of having to justify to a crowd of local yokels why I like the teams that I do. I have my reasons and I find them to be damn good ones too. So here we go with a little case study. And the two points are...

1. San Fransisco 49ers vs. Minnesota Vikings
Being a child of the 80's I find it highly impossible and extremely laughable for a kid that liked to win to cheer for Tommy Kramer over Joe Montana, or Anthony Carter over Jerry Rice. C'mon, get real. The Niners put on clinics for the rest of the league on how to school lesser opponents (such as the Vikings) in the playoffs, almost to a science. So why on Earth would I go for team with a running back from Auburn as opposed to Nebraska? Good question. Even though the tables have turned a bit the past few years, I find it hard to change my tune. However you can still count of the Vikings to choke all over themselves in the regular or post season. It seems a Vikings meltdown is as sure as snow in South Dakota in January. Despite my boys being in the cellar of the mediocre NFC West (which did represent in the Super Bowl this year, and only one of two divisions in the last 9 years to field an NFC Super Bowl Champion) I'm still here. From the days of my Dwight Clark "jersey" in the mid 80's and mismatching 49ers border that clashed with my blue room that drove my anally driven Mother nuts. I'd be a Detroit Lions fan if my Mom would have been able to deal with a kid having a nervous breakdown in Target about not getting the right team. Right down to my 49ers license plate covers and Ronnie Lott thowback jersey. Even when I move to Kansas City, which has some of the most rabid football fans on the planet, the plate covers aren't coming off.

2. Boston Red Sox vs. Minnestoa Twins
This seems to be the biggest travesty of all. How can you not be a Twins fan?? Get this, I cheered for the Braves in '91. Why? Because I hate the local Sioux Falls hype. Why? Who knows, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Sort of like wearing pork chop underwear in a shark tank. Let's just start this one off by saying that I was a confused child, and I didn't pick this team until a little later in life. When I say later I mean like late middle school and early high school. Even through these years of bad hair and band t-shirts, I still kept up with my teams. I wasn't full fledged until late in high school when I really got into the history of this club too. It's hard to fully embrace a team that you like out of spite for your Father and his team. Being a die hard Yankees fan (the man has Mantle rookie cards, autographed balls (not the Mick's, mind you, I mean baseballs sicko) and just a TON of Yanks memorabilia) for life, you could imagine the old man's distain for this lifestyle choice. I still think he'd rather have a gay Yankee's fan for a son, than a straight Red Sox fan. Seriously. Not to put gay people down, that's just my Dad's way of thinking. Read my "Idle" entry if you need any more reason for why I picked this team. I got into the idea of the underdog. Now it's hard to claim the "underdog tag" when your team has the second highest paid roster in the league. As far as I'm concerned, the only interesting thing in baseball the past 5 years has been these two teams. Doesn't sound like I'm a baseball purist? Shove it, you want to know why? These teams spend money because they want to win. And they have the revenue because, yes, they are in a big market, but keep fans because they don't dick around with putting players in place and having a system that produces a winner. You can make your case for XYZ small market team that is trying to survive as David to the Sox and Yankees' Goliath, but the fact remains the Twins were on the chopping block to get the fuck out of Dodge UNTIL they started winning. Get back to losing again, and you can go back to flirting with the idea of kissing the Twins goodbye as long as the current ownership remains. How can you stand behind that? I know I know, it's about the "team" and not ownership, but come on, that's like waiting for your money grubbing wife of 30 years to leave you when you got laid off from your high paying job and now you're flipping burgers at McDonalds. The Red Sox will never leave Boston, and the Yankees will never leave New York. That's a fact.

I really don't have too many other examples. The Wild are the only hockey team around, and comparing the history of Nebraska football in the last 30 years to the Gopher's or Iowa State or the Hawkeye's is like comparing your neighbor's new Corvette with all the trim to your little sister's '85 Mercury Topaz. It's just a waste of time. Besides, all you need to know about Nebraska is that one of the first pictures of me is in a Cornhusker's jumper.

Pictures to follow soon...

Currently watching : The Boston Red Sox 2004 World Series Collector's Edition Release date: By 26 July, 2005

12:39 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Jami

I love you bro... but I have no idea what your talkin about.. but it makes me think maybe i should pay attention to sports Posted by Jami on Friday, March 31, 2006 at 1:33 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

It Ends

Current mood: gloomy
Category: Life

Like as in the category of this entry.

Once you experience it things you see and hear can trigger any number of emotions tied to it. I've seen death, and a lot of it. There was a point in my life where I had only been to one funeral. Just one. I was barely 5 and am barely able to remember it. That was until the summer after my junior year of high school. Between that year of 1997 and 2000 I went to exactly six funerals, experienced two suicides, and watched two people die right in front of me. One I knew very well, the other I watched fall from the top of an arena. I'm not trying to be funny with the later either.

Death changes you and it leaves an imprint that can't be erased. Especially if it takes place right in front of you. What makes a person want to die? What brings a person to the point in their life where they put a shotgun in their mouth and pull the trigger? You never see it coming. What makes a person want to smoke a cigarette when they know full well that they can't control what they are doing and they know the outcome? You see it coming but you don't do anything about it.

The former in the above paragrapgh is sudden, gut wrenching. It happens so unbelivably fast that it makes your head spin. Nothing can prepare you for the shock of something like this. The other you watch day after day, year after year and nothing happens. You notice the smell, the coughing, the wheezing, and it's not a huge deal, maybe just a little annoying. But it's a personal decision. "I'm only hurting myself" is the famous line, right? Maybe you see a little decline in their health or they can't do some of the things that they used to do. They seem to age a little quicker than normal. Then, they get sick for an extended period of time and it's something that no one can put their finger on exactly.

"Oh he just has pnemonia."

It's an easy out and no one wants to dig deeper. Either because they are affraid to uncover what's underneath that simple sickness, or if they claw a little more they'll find what's behind the sickness that got them their in the first place. You really don't think about it that much, they'll figure it out and they'll be able to do something about it. At this point the person sounds like they have a hoarse voice and a bad case of strep throat. They can't walk more than a few hundred feet before they have to stop and rest.

"Well, we better really see what's going on. I'm sure it's nothing though."

Then you find out that you have a tumor the size of your fist in your lung, and it doesn't end their. It's all over. It's taking over your body like nothing has ever done before. You're stuck, you're looking for an answer and you know what put you in that chair in that doctor's office and hearing this news. The direct object that landed you in this unfortunate situation is obvious, but the reason you couldn't get rid of it isn't so easy to come by. You don't want to talk about it, you don't even want to think about it, because you are going to die. Soon.

So you try in vein to do everything you can to make one last desperate attempt at finding a cure for yourself, even though that person in the back of your mind is telling you it's useless. Your time is coming up, and fast. So you hold on to your estranged wife who has been driving you nuts the past few years, and you gather your kids to break the news. Daddy is sick and he's not going to get better. They ask you if you'll be sick forever, and you tell them only for a little while longer because you know without saying that forever means less than six months.

Then you tell the rest of your family what is going on. Everyone is in shock, because the rest of the family shares the same vice. Your wife, your brother, your sister, your nephews, cousins, second cousins and so on. As they are left to figure out why the reality of it all sets in as you get weaker and unbearable pain sets in. You try to reconcile with the strained relationships in your family and social circle, you do it quickly because you don't know when your card is going to be pulled. It seems like it's contrived to some, but you're getting it done anyway. You don't want too much guilt of your grave. Sort of a morbid reality, dealing out moral payments to those you have complicated relationships with. Just last year everything was normal, and you were taking everything for granted.

Everyone packs up and goes home and returns to thinking about their own lives and issues. Some stand on the sidelines and pray for you, they even visit. But you can see the look in their eyes. They look at you differently than they did before. They talk to you like a child whose puppy just got ran over in the middle of the street by some reckless teenage driver. And you just witnessed the whole thing. Symathy mixed with sorrow. They hate to see you go through it, but they know it's just a lesson you'd learn sooner or later.

You wake up everyday not knowing if this is going to be your last. Then one Sunday morning as you are drinking coffee in your kitchen with your wife and kids it happens. The proverbial straw landing on the camel's back, just in time to snap it in half.

You're unconscience and your brain is swelling. You don't know what's going on, at this point reality has left you as your family is in complete shock. They try to ask for answers as they all scramble for the hospital to come together and pray for you and be strong for you. Eveyone is left to question why this had to happen to you and to them. Even in the face of something like this, people remain selfish and wonder what this means for them. Others are more selfless, but not many.

Your family takes turns watching over you night after night as you decline and deteriorate. Your daughters who are 10 and 15 try to understand what is happening to the man that helped raise them, helped them to learn to read, helped them to ride a bike. The person that they sang songs with and the person's car they made fun of because it was a Lincoln and as big as a whale, and about to set sail, or however that song went.

Then, just when you can't take it anymore and everyone has said their goodbye's, you fade away and let go.

No one is perfect, I'm not, and my Uncle Matt wasn't either. I'm not judging him, because he taught me a lot. As has everyone else in my family. It's just when you are young and have control over what is going on in your life and you know it's bad, let it go. Life is too short, opportunities are getting more scarce by the day. I'm not trying to be preachy, but you have to understand that everything you value and take stock in is all going to end.

It just ends.

Currently listening : Superunknown By Soundgarden Release date: By 08 March, 1994

9:31 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Derek	not trying to make light of your loss, but to summarize for all those people that wont take the time to read a long blog: SMOKING = BAD! so endith the lesson. Posted by Derek on Saturday, March 25, 2006 at 11:07 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

**Metal**

somehow i think dereks comment was directed torwards myself i c i c says the girl i quit well i'm trying and i actually read the whole thing! Posted by **Metal** on Monday, March 27, 2006 at 9:36 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Sharin' Like a 16-year old

Current mood: loved
Category: Romance and Relationships

So I got this song last June, and now I get it. Maybe it's not what was intended when this person gave this song to me, but I figured out why it gets to me like it does, finally. If this person gave this to me with the intent of feeling what I am feeling tonight, they're a genius. If not, they still is anyway

So what does the title of this mean? I'm about to post the lyrics to this song, hense the title of this entry, haha...

Pete Yorn
"By Your Side"

I'm outside your house
2am it's dark.
So many mistakes
come back home from bars.

I am on your side
I just want to tell you off.

So many lies
are taking hold.
It's not your fault
there's many scars.

I am on your side
it's taken me a long time
I am on your side
I'm on your side

And I'll listen
And I'll listen
Can you listen?
Now I'm listening.

I am on your side
it's taken me a long time.
I am on your side
I'm on your side.

I'm heading out tonight
I'm heading out tonight

Now I'm listening
and I'll listen.
Yeah I'm listening
Can you listen?

Like I've said before, I'm a very big fan of airy dream like songs. This one takes the cake. The first time I heard it, it grabbed a hold of me and has not let go since. I listen to it quite often. It's tied so closely to the person that sent it to me, that I can't think about anything else when it's playing. I try not to break things like this down like I usually do, but I can't help it.

I've had some issues with trust in the past with people. Not this person specifically because they didn't do anything to me, but because anytime I give a big part of myself away, the person usually runs away with it. Not this time. I truly feel like I've met the most caring and trustful person in the world.

I always wondered when this change would come about, and it just struck me tonight in the car ride home. It was like 10 tons off my shoulders to get beyond my own BS. I'm so excited I want to call this person, but I know they are asleep. I can't wait until the boundries of distance are lifted. I just can't. Five months almost seems too long, but then again it doesn't...

Because I'll never find anyone else like her.

Currently listening : Musicforthemorningafter By Pete Yorn Release date: By 27 March, 2001

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Stephanie

awh Posted by Stephanie on Saturday, March 25, 2006 at 3:09 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Brick Wall

Current mood: calm
Category: Life

Let me start this off by saying that I am in a good mood today, and still am...

Less than thrilled about having to bowl for Junior Acheivement tonight, but it's for the kids baby.

Sometimes, well all the time, my mind is always moving and never seems to really stop. I think about anything and everything. From scenarios that I know would never happen to things that are definatly a possibility. Somedays I can't understand why I can't shut it off and just let go, but I never have really been able to do it. I tried a lot this week, but it never seems to work. I'm not sure if it's good to be this mindful of the things that are going on around me or if I'm going to die of a stress induced heart attack at the age of 30. Like I said, I'm in a good mood.

Now imagine what this is like for a person if they are in a bad mood, and it can be said that I have some interesting mood swings. I guess I've never been a "reachable" person because I've been into pleasing others and changing what I think and feel to appease the masses. I think I've been a hard person to figure out for this reason alone.

For some all of the friends and acquaintances I've had over the years and my ability to meet people I've never felt like I've fit in or identified with too many people. The ones that I did manage to keep around aren't people that really challenged me on any of my issues. You know, being a jerk, thinking I'm better than most people for no reason, being a general bullshitter for a real long time. You know it's hard to be taken seriously with traits like this. Didn't you?

Now that I've done an admirable job sorting my life out, I'm finding that maybe I'm not into doing the retread thing with people that I've known for quite some time, with the exception of a few of course. I've found that some people that I've known don't like some of the people that I've been friends with, or for some reason or another they aren't exactly the "coolest" people in the world. To people that still treat life as high school, or even college for that matter, fuck off. I spent too many years hiding certain people because I was too concerned with "being cool." I think I may have hurt a lot of people along the way. If you can't accept who I like or hang out with, too bad I guess. Maybe you have some issues you need to sift through. Sometimes, the people that you think you are ahead of have already passed you by. I'm not citing anyone specifically of course. Ahem. I think people get to a certain point in their lives when they aren't happy with how they were in the past. Call it normal if you will.

Anyway, my point (as hidden as it may be) is that life is sort of a series of chapters. It's not often that you are privy to recognizing your own new pages, I can say that I haven't been to any of them. It's always been in retrospect.

These are my last few months in the city that I know as my home. I've written before that I feel like it's no longer that, and I don't think that fact has changed at all. It didn't change until around 8 or 9 months ago. When your world gets flipped upside-down it makes you think. It makes you put everything out on the table for everyone to look at. However, it doesn't always have to be bad.

People move, get married, buy houses, have families, get great jobs, meet people. Don't you love ending sentences with the same words they started out with? I do. I drove by my elementary school today and noticed that they took out the old playgroud equipment and moved the basketball court because of a parking lot that was probably built 5 or 6 years ago and it got the wheels turning. You can't hold on to everything that you relied on in the past. People can only carry so much baggage before they finally drop it off and say "enough."

I think the paragraph above is where I'm at now. Got a great job and the other things are (or will be soon) falling into place. You just have to be ready.

Currently listening : Something/Anything? By Todd Rundgren Release date: 25 October, 1990

	u write long blogs Posted by **Metal** on Friday, March 24, 2006 at 6:45 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	-=Q=-	very cool Posted by -=Q=- on Friday, March 24, 2006 at 10:53 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	-=Q=-	by the way this is Jami not Quint. I forgot that Im invading his space That be weird if Quint winked at ya huh Posted by -=Q=- on Friday, March 24, 2006 at 10:54 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Derek

u finally noticed they replaced the old playground and put in the parking lot, dude, that was like 10 years ago, seriously, u are not very observant. Posted by Derek on Saturday, March 25, 2006 at 7:15 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

As The World Turns

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

What a difference a year can make

Going from a somewhat isolated individual to a person the brink of turning my life upside down for one person. All in the span of 365 days. This past week marked the one year anniversary of going from talking about normal chit chat to moving on to issues such as the history between the two of us and our immediate future. Although that wouldn't come for about another month or so. Anway, I digress from where I was going...

Some of you, who are fairly outgoing and independant may see this entry as sort of a "what's the big deal?" type of drivel. But for those that don't really know me as well as some do, you have to realize that around here, the place I've been looking for an out has changed for me over the last 18 months. You see another person came along that changed my life, and that's my half brother that my mom put up for adoption. He tracked us down and my made contact with my mom. To make a long story short, him and I hit it off very well and are very good friends just beyond long lost brothers. You could feel the kinship between the two of us right off the bat. 25 years of moments and lives that could have easily been merged, but for some reason were not. So here we are catching up 6 months into being brothers, and finally seeing a positive family environment for the first time in 10 years. Almost half my life. Then along comes life changing event #2...

"The One That Got Away"

Maybe not everyone has one, but I did. Something that when you thought about, while not often, would keep you up at night because it made you think about some of the things that you may have missed out on if only you'd made different decisions. Like I said, I had one of these, and when I say "one of these" I mean a person. The one where 350 miles was too far to overcome when we first met. I had to let this person go and it broke my heart, although I did my best to cover it up, I never completely got over it. Maybe that's why I'm in the position I'm in right now. Here is a number for you...

12,750

That's a round number, and it's not exact but it's very close. What's that number you ask? Well, that's the number of miles that my girlfriend and I have traveled to see each other the past ten and one half months. Sort of puts things in perspective for you huh? It sure does for me. Almost 13,000 miles to maintain a relationship. Some people find trouble dating someone in their own town for a year. So what does this say for us? Are we determined or stubborn? Completely in love or completely mad? I'd say the former on both questions.

I shut a lot of people out in my life, even the ones that have been closest to me over the years. For whatever reason I've become, like I said above, and isolated person. Things have been really coming together for me over the past year and a half on a personal level. For once in my life, things are falling into place at the right time. For once I don't feel as alone in the world.

Today is sad, because it's one of the days I've had to come back from where home is for me now. I feel like a guest in my own house and in the city I was raised in, because my home is with "life changing event #2" and that will always be my home, no matter what happens. Sometimes you only meet 2 or 3 people in your lifetime that really make an impression.

Just so happens that the past 18 months have shown me two of them right in a row.

And nothing could make me happier...

Currently listening : Year of Meteors By Laura Veirs Release date: 23 August, 2005

Dumbest Show Ever

Current mood: confused
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Just an F.Y.I. or P.S.A. please stop watching Dr. 90210 if you do, and if you don't please don't start. This has to be the worst show ever created, and from what I understand it's been on for awhile. I watched 5 minutes of it for the first time ever and boy what a joke. Some 45 year old lady was in for some breast implants with two of her other 40-something botoxed friends (which is just weird in itself anyway) and they had the biggest boobs I've ever seen in my life, and believe me being a 26 year old guy I've seen a lot of, um, movies. It's just disgusting, how would you like to have your mom come home with a new pair of double D's? Blah. And to top it off when the anethesiologist came out to put her under, the plastic surgeon was doing curls in his scrubs before surgery! Are you f'ing kidding me? People watch this crap? Unbelievable, it's so sad.

Anyway, that's all...

And yes, I still occasionally listen to N.W.A. what of it?

Currently listening : N.W.A. - Greatest Hits By N.W.A. Release date: 02 July, 1996

Idle

Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

So you know when you haven't seen someone in awhile? I don't mean like a couple weeks or a couple months. I'm talking about a couple years, you know what I mean. It takes a little while to get used to them again. Sometimes you're not sure if the relationship that you used to have with them will exist anymore. You wonder if things that have happened between the two of you amount to something more than you can figure out in a 2 or 3 day visit. It seems like there is some tension, but then again, it may just be one sided. There is a lot of history with the person I'm talking about. There are things that are there that even some of my closest friends don't even know about. Issues that still go back pretty far and fairly deep and probably will never fully heal.

The older I get and the more of my own man that I become I am starting to realize things that may have actually been the truth when I was raised. I would say that to a certain extent the "wool was over my eyes" for quite some time with a lot of things. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is resentment or just an indifference for what this person set me up to be the last 10 years or so. When you know how you are, and what you are trying to change and you are still in that process, encountering the source of those issues are something that can be a huge step. It's not like I haven't told this person how I feel about things, because I have, many times. Sometimes you wonder when enough is enough.

He's getting older, and you can see age starting to catch up with a man who now has no energy left to outrun what is bound to happen in the next several years. When you live a life of contempt for others and a somewhat genuine hatred for people that you can't control, it takes it's toll in a physical way. This person not more that 10 years ago stood eye to eye with me, now it's not even close, the man has seemingly shrunk by 2 or 3 inches. The lifestyle habbits haven't changed dramatically, still smoking still drinking...

You are taught to respect and honor your father no matter what. However, when chipped away at enough you wonder what is really left. It's said that parents love their children unconditionally, does that same feeling reciprocate?

I've lived a bit of a strange existance when I sit down and think about it. It's ok to admitt it. I'm not saying "poor me" or "I'm so much worse off than other people" but you have to allow a bit of reality to seep in to your head. This person tried to breed me to dislike and hold the same feelings for those that he didn't understand, for those that didn't see eye to eye with him. It was basically him against the world, and he needed a partner, and when I lived with him the last two years I was in high school I was almost on the verge of being it.

Every person needs a support system. I shut out the ones that would have made a positive influence in my life, and relied on the one that would only support me if I did what he had planned for me. I learned to only rely on myself, and realized that the only way things would get taken care of in my life was by standing on my own two feet. This is true, but it only takes you so far. I learned to hate those around me, for no good reason at all. I shut people out and started down the path of sort of being a loner. Let me tell you, I did lead sort of a lonely existence for quite some time.

Today I'm talking about my brother's wedding and how excited I am for it. I'm met with a quip about how that whole situation went over when my mom told me he had contacted her. My sister even got in on the action, shamefully I might add. She's not old enough to really see the forest from the trees on this issue. I feel like I can't talk about much that is going on in my life because of the sea of negativity that flows beneth the surface of my Dad.

The person that's supposed to play catch with you, the person that's supposed to teach you right from wrong, the person that's supposed to tell you how to treat a lady, the person that's supposed to make you feel protected, the person that's supposed to do you no wrong and protect you from harm. My Father was none of these things.

He has taught me one valuable lesson however, and that's how not to treat others. If there is one thing that I do strive for it is to rely on those around me that love me back in a positive way, not a person who gives you a hundred dollar bill because he thinks you need "some spending money." I don't want someone that is all flash and show, I just wanted someone that was real. Someone that didn't need to make a first impression in all the wrong ways. Of course, you can't tell they are the wrong ways until you spend 26 years figuring out why you are the way you are.

So, for now I'm going to be a big person, hang out with him this weekend, see my sister's play and whatnot. I'm not sure what conversations will come out of this weekend, all I know is that the past few times they have been on the side of changing the face of our relationship, and finally in the favor of the person who does not intend to manipulate people into his view...

This is what happens when your dad is not your dad but your buddy instead...

Currently listening : Meddle By Pink Floyd Release date: 25 October, 1990