gloomy Category: Life
Like as in the category of this entry.
Once you experience it things you see and hear can trigger any number of emotions tied to it. I've seen death, and a lot of it. There was a point in my life where I had only been to one funeral. Just one. I was barely 5 and am barely able to remember it. That was until the summer after my junior year of high school. Between that year of 1997 and 2000 I went to exactly six funerals, experienced two suicides, and watched two people die right in front of me. One I knew very well, the other I watched fall from the top of an arena. I'm not trying to be funny with the later either.
Death changes you and it leaves an imprint that can't be erased. Especially if it takes place right in front of you. What makes a person want to die? What brings a person to the point in their life where they put a shotgun in their mouth and pull the trigger? You never see it coming. What makes a person want to smoke a cigarette when they know full well that they can't control what they are doing and they know the outcome? You see it coming but you don't do anything about it.
The former in the above paragrapgh is sudden, gut wrenching. It happens so unbelivably fast that it makes your head spin. Nothing can prepare you for the shock of something like this. The other you watch day after day, year after year and nothing happens. You notice the smell, the coughing, the wheezing, and it's not a huge deal, maybe just a little annoying. But it's a personal decision. "I'm only hurting myself" is the famous line, right? Maybe you see a little decline in their health or they can't do some of the things that they used to do. They seem to age a little quicker than normal. Then, they get sick for an extended period of time and it's something that no one can put their finger on exactly.
"Oh he just has pnemonia."
It's an easy out and no one wants to dig deeper. Either because they are affraid to uncover what's underneath that simple sickness, or if they claw a little more they'll find what's behind the sickness that got them their in the first place. You really don't think about it that much, they'll figure it out and they'll be able to do something about it. At this point the person sounds like they have a hoarse voice and a bad case of strep throat. They can't walk more than a few hundred feet before they have to stop and rest.
"Well, we better really see what's going on. I'm sure it's nothing though."
Then you find out that you have a tumor the size of your fist in your lung, and it doesn't end their. It's all over. It's taking over your body like nothing has ever done before. You're stuck, you're looking for an answer and you know what put you in that chair in that doctor's office and hearing this news. The direct object that landed you in this unfortunate situation is obvious, but the reason you couldn't get rid of it isn't so easy to come by. You don't want to talk about it, you don't even want to think about it, because you are going to die. Soon.
So you try in vein to do everything you can to make one last desperate attempt at finding a cure for yourself, even though that person in the back of your mind is telling you it's useless. Your time is coming up, and fast. So you hold on to your estranged wife who has been driving you nuts the past few years, and you gather your kids to break the news. Daddy is sick and he's not going to get better. They ask you if you'll be sick forever, and you tell them only for a little while longer because you know without saying that forever means less than six months.
Then you tell the rest of your family what is going on. Everyone is in shock, because the rest of the family shares the same vice. Your wife, your brother, your sister, your nephews, cousins, second cousins and so on. As they are left to figure out why the reality of it all sets in as you get weaker and unbearable pain sets in. You try to reconcile with the strained relationships in your family and social circle, you do it quickly because you don't know when your card is going to be pulled. It seems like it's contrived to some, but you're getting it done anyway. You don't want too much guilt of your grave. Sort of a morbid reality, dealing out moral payments to those you have complicated relationships with. Just last year everything was normal, and you were taking everything for granted.
Everyone packs up and goes home and returns to thinking about their own lives and issues. Some stand on the sidelines and pray for you, they even visit. But you can see the look in their eyes. They look at you differently than they did before. They talk to you like a child whose puppy just got ran over in the middle of the street by some reckless teenage driver. And you just witnessed the whole thing. Symathy mixed with sorrow. They hate to see you go through it, but they know it's just a lesson you'd learn sooner or later.
You wake up everyday not knowing if this is going to be your last. Then one Sunday morning as you are drinking coffee in your kitchen with your wife and kids it happens. The proverbial straw landing on the camel's back, just in time to snap it in half.
You're unconscience and your brain is swelling. You don't know what's going on, at this point reality has left you as your family is in complete shock. They try to ask for answers as they all scramble for the hospital to come together and pray for you and be strong for you. Eveyone is left to question why this had to happen to you and to them. Even in the face of something like this, people remain selfish and wonder what this means for them. Others are more selfless, but not many.
Your family takes turns watching over you night after night as you decline and deteriorate. Your daughters who are 10 and 15 try to understand what is happening to the man that helped raise them, helped them to learn to read, helped them to ride a bike. The person that they sang songs with and the person's car they made fun of because it was a Lincoln and as big as a whale, and about to set sail, or however that song went.
Then, just when you can't take it anymore and everyone has said their goodbye's, you fade away and let go.
No one is perfect, I'm not, and my Uncle Matt wasn't either. I'm not judging him, because he taught me a lot. As has everyone else in my family. It's just when you are young and have control over what is going on in your life and you know it's bad, let it go. Life is too short, opportunities are getting more scarce by the day. I'm not trying to be preachy, but you have to understand that everything you value and take stock in is all going to end.
It just ends.
 | Currently listening : Superunknown By Soundgarden Release date: By 08 March, 1994  |
9:31 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
 | Derek   |
| |
| **Metal**  |
|
No comments:
Post a Comment