Mi Familia Manifesto

Current mood: blank
Category: Life

Clear and concise, it's something that is the exact opposite of what my writing is when it's down to something that I am thinking and feeling. So, for those of you that only like my humorus numbers on things I hate, or bands I like (or hate), this may not be the entry for you. Right now I'm in the middle of a moment from the past few days and I need to capture it while I'm still here, because it's not something I think I could go back to tomorrow. So, for those of you that do like the ramble-y drivel that I can produce when I'm in the middle of an introspective catharsis, then stick around because it promises to probably involve you. If not, sorry, I guess I can't please everyone even though I really do try.

Most of you know that I am in Sioux Falls, many of you I probably saw this weekend as a matter of fact. Please don't take the next few statements personally, because I love you all and you are all the reason why I do come back when not met with a holiday, graduation, or reunion obligation. I've noticed that I've become what I really pictured myself to be now that I am with Stephanie full time and now reside in Kansas City. I always felt that this city stifled me, and so with it most of the people that I come into contact with that I don't "know." That's not to say I look down my nose at people that love to live here, because that's great. I appreciate the people that live here and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I would be the first to stick up for my hometown, but it's not for me anymore and I'm not sure if it ever really was. I never felt totally calm and at piece with being here, even as a child. Coming back made me realize that it now represents not only things that I hate in general, but things I hate about me. It drummed up a few things that I had lingering inside.

As for the meaning behind the title...we're getting to that.

Take for instance this thought. Right now, at this very second, I wish I didn't have to go home. I wish I could just be home. I don't want to stay here another night, I don't want to get up and get ready to go, and I don't want to drive all the way back down to Kansas City. I just want to be there right now. Now, like I said before, but I will remind people reading this again. This sentiment has nothing to do with you individually or as a whole. My friends, no matter how scattered or disjointed they are because of class or social status, I love them all the same. Even though some seem to see the others as not as important or smart or what-have-you. For that, I feel like I'm very alone dispite the fact that I feel very cared for by each of my close and personal companions.

I'm not going to give you something chronological, or something that has a starting and an ending point to illustrate where I am going, or even while I am getting there. It's too boring, too expected and too typical. I'm not trying to give you the 73rd "this is who I am speech" but more of an understanding of where I am right now.

I wish all of my friends had the same face, same mind, same sense of humor, but that wouldn't make me me. Some days I hang out with the cool kid, some days I hang out with the one the cool kid makes fun of and still would if he saw them. And you know what? To hell with anyone that has a problem with that. If you can't understand that I have something in common with someone and like them for it and see value in that, then fuck you, mabye you aren't really my friend. The bottom line doesn't always equal the best friend. Take that as you will.

Inside of my family has always lived the same social and financial pecking order, and I've always hated it. It was never family on the basis of family as a result of you having the same parents, it was always comparing who had what, knew someone, or was privey to something. It was always unsaid but always present. Even at a young age the lines that grown ups draw were visible. Maybe not in the same context that I am able to understand them in now, however they were there.

Somewhere along the way things changed. People marry, people divorce, people re-marry, people die and the way you learned to live is now turned upside down. It fucks everything up because you don't know how to act around your own people. By people I mean family of course. I never understood the hate that I held inside for so long, but it was so bound to what I've written in this entry that I couldn't believe it when it all came to fruition. I hated because I harbored all that the people in my family perpetuated. I tried to play to every side of the field because I wanted everyone to like me. When I found out that this is something a teenage kid could not handle, I checked out. I checked out for a long time.

I turned my back on a lot of things. Friends, college, the life I wanted when I was younger, most family members. This town reminds me of all of that. I don't think it's because I haven't dealt with the hand that I played, because I know I've been down that road many, many, many times. Sometimes, you just have to walk away. This isn't to say that Stephanie was my golden ticket, because she wasn't. This is something we both worked at. There are only maybe two people that I know of that may read this that will understand, and you will know who you are.

I need to break this mold of what my family is and will continue to be. I need to start something new, and I need the help of the one person who has been able to understand me without having to understand how I got there. She's been the only one who just took it and ran with it and didn't have to know all the shit and the glory that put me in the place I'm at right now. Unlike any other person I've tried to start a life with, and that's why she gets me. That's why I walked away from Sioux Falls, because she operates like the way I've always wanted to and that is with out any pretenses. Even though she'll tell you she's a snob, but she really never has been. At least not with this idiot.

I was getting somewhere with the first couple of sentences in the previous paragraph, and it goes as follows. I always thought that I had to fix my family that were my parents, step-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. You can't fix what has already been beyond broken for a long time. You can't salvage the people that want no part in being salvaged. You can mend fences, but you can always pick out the repairs from the original work.

My family is something that is yet to be written, and it's something that I intend to correct the mistakes that were made with my present, and past family. It's not to say things will be perfect, that's a dream you'll chase all your life and never realize, however it's an environment my kids don't have to endure. My family is hurting. They can be vindictive and very narcissistic. They are filled with guilt, and in turn wield that guilt as a tool to hide their own insecurities and to fulfill their own needs. It's a sad existence, but it doesn't mean they are completely lost, and I still love them and love being around them. Most of the time at least.

I've always felt different, I've always acted different, I've been thinking differently all of my life, different than everyone else that I know. That's why I've always been able to get along with anyone, because I've always searched for my own identity in everyone else. Because I can think like you. I can act like you, talk like you, like the the same things you do. It's not meant to be pretentious, it's just the way I feel, and it's just an opinion after all. I'm just now starting to understand that I have been like that all of my life. So if it's taken me until the age of 27 to realize that much, I'll have a lifetime to figure out why. Which is precisely what I intend to do, every day of my life.

Currently watching : The Departed (Two-Disc Special Edition) Release date: 13 February, 2007

Music You Should Be Listening To

Current mood: happy
Category: Music

In the past couple of months I've vented my frustration from Toby Keith to cats, now that I've spent that time complaining about things that I hate, I'm going to take some time to talk about something that I like quite a bit. And that is one of my favorite bands over the last two years, and that band is Bloc Party. If you go back a several months it was on my "Favorite Albums of All Time" to which it still is, however it will sit on the shelf for awhile because I did listen to it extensivly in 2005 and it sort of played itself out a bit. So, as you could imagine "A Weekend in the City" was high on my list of highly anticipated albums for 2007.

If you aren't familar with Bloc Party, they are a band if you are sort of into music you will compare to Franz Ferdinand. It's easy to make that sort of comparison considering the fact that the boys from Glasgow invited them on tour when they were supporting their own huge debut in the States and in Europe. If you are really a music fan you would have seen the ties to bands like Gang of Four and the Joy Division. However, this album you can see the band making obvious strides to change and push away comparisons to the two bands they drew alot from on "Silent Alarm."

Rather than opening for a band with semi-respectable tunes like Franz, they had to suffer with fans of Panic! At the Disco as they opened for them in 2006/07. Great exposure sure, but they are exposing themselves to thirteen year old girls. Sidebar: That last sentence if read out of context may get me banned from MySpace. Just another lesson to always read statements in the context they we intended to be in. Ahem, I digress.

I wrote a short review for this album on eMusic, since this is where I purchased "A Weekend..." from so I could get a bonus track that I'm glad I picked up. Of course, I probably will still by the physical CD because of the bonus DVD that is included. Back to what I wrote for eMusic. Here, I'll actually just copy and paste rather than write from memory.

"From opening track until the last song plays out on this album you have to do a good job of taking yourself away from what you would expect from a Bloc Party LP to be all about. This album is going to categorize fans into two areas. The individuals who will say it sounds nothing like "Silent Alarm" and think it doesn't stack up, therefore falls short of expectations. The second grouping will understand that a band that is as talented as Bloc Party is that you have to allow them to grow within their own style and realize they probably will never make the same album twice. Yes, I think the more you listen to this album the more it will grow on you, I also believe that this album will separate the people who listen to and are fans of Bloc Party for all the right reasons from those who only sort of pick up on what this band is trying to accomplish."

I gave the album 4 out of 5 stars because if I ever did this professionally I would only give out perfect ratings in probably 1 in every 1000 albums/books/movies/games/etc. It's sort of a choppy yet ramblie little blurb about it, and of course a little unedited, so don't think millions of people will be reading this, because they won't. Just the people that click on the album on eMusic and decide to buy it. If you don't know or subscribe, eMusic is sort of a neat little community of people that listen to music that you don't hear much on the radio, however, this could be a seperate entry all together.

To expound on what I wrote a tad, this album is much more multi-layered and complicated than "Slient..." ever was or could hope to be. It doesn't automatically make it a better album, it just makes it different. And if I had to sum up the experience that this album is, that would be the word I would use. Different. It challenges the listener to move beyond the sort of atmospheric build ups and pay offs that it's predecesor had, and the basic rock and roll verse/chorus/verse formula that most of the catchier numbers clung to. If you really jump into 'A Weekend..." it's really almost two albums in one, which is something "Silent..." almost accomplished, but never quite made it.

The weight of every vocal and instrumentation feels 10 times heavier than it did on their first album. Kele Okereke, the band's lead vocalist/guitar player/chief songwriter, has said that the album itself is inspired by the experience of living in a fast paced city, I.E. London. I've never been, or are ringing my travel agent to book a flight to, however you can almost feel some of the ups and downs of being trapped/in love with such a place. It reminds me of my recent transplant from submetro area to major metropolitan. You will love the accessability but you will also dread the crime, traffic, and people.

I am still falling into love with this album (just as I am still falling in love with being in Kansas City) because at first I was a little skeptical as most people should be. Just because I like your last album, doesn't automatically make me first in line to say your next one is a similar work of art. I'd like to think that, as a fan, I'm the type that challenges good artisits to make something worth my while, and others of the like will surely feel the same. It may be a little pretentious, but it gives me accessability into the workings of music that I feel close to. At least in my mind that's how it works.

I can't see who reads my entries, but I have a pretty good idea of who does. I would urge anyone who reads this, if you want a musical adventure, pick this album up. It's not going to be something you'll pop in your CD player and immediately love (maybe or maybe not, my fiance' liked it quite a bit right away) but it is something you can grow to really appreciate. Opening new doors and having them branch off into new realms of the musical landscape is what it's all about to really be into good music.

If you don't like it, hey, it was only $10.

Currently listening : Weekend in the City By Bloc Party Release date: By 06 February, 2007

6:54 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Stephanie

Yeah, buy it. I like it and I'm not even cool! Posted by Stephanie on Wednesday, February 14, 2007 at 8:42 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Bands That Are Ruining American - Part 1a

Current mood: complacent
Category: Music

*Sigh*

So in keeping with the theme from yesterday and logging in to MySpace today, I'm greeted with the smiling faces of the band I wrote about and their favorite picks as far as music goes.

This link will take you to my favorite member's recounting of his best loved, uh, albums of all time. I'm not sure if it's a top five or four or whatever. He doesn't seem that with it, which is fine, because most rock guys shouldn't be "with it." The only problem is he doesn't play in a rock band. I'm not sure which category to place them in. But watch and enjoy so you can see what I'm talking about because not only do you get to hear the band members speak, you get to hear their music in the background! As if listening to them talk wasn't enough.

Currently listening : Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes By TV on the Radio Release date: By 09 March, 2004

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Cory

"Um, which ones did I say already? ... Oh, yeah, I did ... If I name dropped "Meat Loaf" would people think I'm cool?" Thanks for the laugh. I have my bottle of Heinz ketchup bottoms up, banging on it with the butter knife hoping that something good will come with popular music. I'll even give ya a Kudos for dessert. Posted by Cory on Thursday, February 08, 2007 at 9:57 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Bands That Are Ruining America - Part I

Current mood: blah
Category: Music

If you don't know who this band is, then you are much cooler than me, because you don't pay attention to MySpace Music or popular music in general. I cannot and do not ignore what is going on in the mainstream because I'm hoping for the day that something cool breaks through. I don't know why I do it, I like some music that's considered pop, I really don't think I'm a musical snob like some people I know. However, I digress.

Fall Out Boy has to be one of the worst bands on the planet. And I'm even counting crappy 80's cover bands that play Poison tunes and Minnesota Polka groups. Hey, one of my childhood friends grandfather is a goddamn polka legend. I'm serious. Can any band you've ever seen in your life try to look so hard yet fall so short? I don't know when it happened exactly, but the Vans Warped Tour somehow took over what the Disney Channel used to produce. Maybe it was the year I wasn't looking when Dashboad Confessional got popular. Anyway.

Everyone is familiar I'm sure with their most recognizable hit "Dance, Dance" which to this day haunts me when I play "NFL Madden 2007" on my Xbox 360. Everytime I get a first down the first 3 lines of the chorus play on the virtual stadium loudspeakers.

The so called "most popular band on MySpace" is ruining America. You can see signs of it everywhere. Unemployment is up, the war in Iraq is still costing thousands of lives, and somewhere a child is being left behind. I can pin all of these things squarely on Fall Out Boy because of their huge ability to suck. What I like even more is the "alternative" radio station in Kansas City plays them all the damn time. And my fiance' wonders why I question that stations lack of integrity.

I have no in depth reasoning as to why Fall Out Boy sucks. It's not going to be a detailed blog because I don't know that much about them in the first place. Other than the fact that they suck.

Currently listening : You're Living All Over Me By Dinosaur Jr. Release date: 22 March, 2005

Happy Super Bowl Monday!!!

Current mood: cynical
Category: Sports

So it's the day after the Super Bowl and many will argue today while nursing hangovers that today should be a national holiday. While this may seem like a good idea to most, I think we're talking about starting something that will empower, or give too much empowerment to entertainers. Football players are athletes getting paid to do a job that they happen to love. A job that pays very well and that provides a lot of viewing pleasure for the masses. But this would be like making the day after the Oscar's a national holiday. Holiday's need to be reserved for remembering something special and integral to our country (or the world), not a sporting event.

I like football, I love football, but to make it a national holiday is ridiculous. All the hype and money and TV time that goes into one game to which it makes the actual game and afterthought is insanity. I get so tired of hearing about the Super Bowl in the two weeks building up to it that I almost don't want to watch it. I've heard every outcome, every possibility, and every scenario. It leaves no surprises and no excitement. I even stopped listening to the radio at my desk the last week and a half to escape. And to take me away from sports talk radio is like taking a bottle from a baby. Or cocaine from Kate Moss.

The "controversy" over the halftime show is even worse. Complaining that Prince looked like he was masturbating with his guitar is taking griping about an artist a little too far. Sure, boobiegate was something that will live on in TV blooper history. "Remember the time that black tit popped out on TV???" Too much for middle America to handle I'm sure. But people complaining they had to remove their children from the room because of Prince simulating masturbation? Come on, give me a fucking break. If you have a child 11 to 12 or under they don't know what he's doing. If they are 12 or older, chances are they'd be doing it in their rooms in a couple hours anyway. So what's the harm in watching a 40 something Prince do it with a guitar? And the fact that this is happening to CBS again is all the more hilarious. I mean come on, didn't the person or people involved who booked Prince or ok'ed Prince to perform familiarize themselves at all with the last, gee I don't know, 25 fucking years he's been performing on a stage?? Has it been so long that we forgot Prince is a little controversial? Or have we been too desensitzed by Paris Hilton having sex with her boyfriend in night vision or by Britney Spears showing off her no-no parts for every papparzzi in the greater Los Angeles area? Or did we just forget that a guy who posed practically nude in the late 80's for God's sake on an album cover is capable of jerking off a guitar in front of several hundred million people?

Gratuitous NFL Fan Complaint Paragraph...

I'd like the Super Bowl more if my team were activly competing to be in it. Sadly, they seem to be content to wallow in the NFC West for the time being. For the record, as I sit at my desk wearing my 49ers t-shirt, I'm at least happy to say that there is a gilmmer of hope for the next season. They seem to really be trying out there, God bless 'em.

Back to my point...

Also, the other thing that is burining me up is ESPN's coverage after the game. Not more than 1 hour after the game was over they were already talking about who was going to win next year!! Jesus God, are you kidding me? Are our attention span's so short that we have to focus on what will happen next year no more than 60 minutes after the culmination of the season has just been completed. It almost makes me want to stop watching professional football. It's just the whole thing kind of stinks that it's just a perpetual motion to which there doesn't seem to be an end. Let the Colts have their moment in the sun and pick back up when I start to care about the NFL again which is the NFL Draft, and even then I'll forget about it until training camp and the yearly release of Madden football for my Xbox.

Oh well, at least now I have the NBA, Baseball, and NASCAR* to watch.

*Just kidding, NASCAR sucks, just in case you didn't know already.

Currently listening : Broken Boy Soldiers By The Raconteurs Release date: 16 May, 2006

Strange Days

Category: Life

"Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it..."

You've all heard that line before, maybe even more than once or twice. As I'm writing this on a Thursday night at work, I'm looking out my window and scaning the same KC skyline that I had taped to the side of my monitor at my old office from my previous job in Sioux Falls. I'm very goal-centric. I like to tape things to monitors and such to motivate myself. That's why I have my current profile picture taped to my monitor right now. Just kidding. My point is that this is what I worked for over the past year, to move to Kansas City and ask my girlfriend to marry me and get a good job for awhile until I find a better one. I got exactly what I wished for and for that I am thankful. I miss my friends, that's basically the point of this paragraph.

Sometimes you can feel a transition period as it's going on, sometimes you can't. September of 2006 I could tell things were changing, I felt different and unlike any other time in my life. For those that know it goes without saying, for those that don't it was my last month in Sioux Falls. I know I've only been here for about 4 months but at this point I feel so far removed from Sioux Falls. No punch line, that's basically it.

And now we ramble...

The last three years of my stint in my hometown were timultuous to say the least. A couple of failed relationships, jobs, friendships. You name it, I probably had it. I didn't know who I was and finally sort of came in to my own the past year. Or at least I think so. I take it day to day. Now I feel comfortable in my own skin, unlike how I felt 90% of the time in my 26 years of existance.

I'll talk about music for awhile to illustrate my point... I mainly listen to obscure/non-obscure indie music, but I also listent to music like Marvin Gaye, Credence Clearwater Revival, and Miles Davis. Sometimes, I even listen to pop music. ! Crazy, I know. However back to my main music, I don't look the part. I usually dress like a typical guy, button up shirts, jeans, t-shirts, tennis shoes. I don't look like an "indie/alternative guy" or however you want to label it. Bascially, I don't look like the kids from high school that wore thrift store clothing and hung out in coffee shops and argued over which Belle & Sebastian album was the best.

I'm cool with the fact that I love football and go crazy for my Huskers. I walked a line of hanging out with people that thought watching the NFL was dumb and others that thought The Replacements were retarded and for scrubs. Like today I'm wearing regular brown tennis-ish shoes (the kind that everyone has now) courduroys, and a Nebraska t-shirt. Needless to say I look like I'm confused. But really I'm not.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't like being labeled as anything anymore after years of searching for one. I play video games (other than Madden and Guitar Hero or Halo), watch a ton of sports, I golf, I play guitar, and I like to write. Sort of odd blend maybe. Maybe not.

Of course, if you like to listen to bad music and drink lots of shitty (Bud Light) beer and act like an asshole, I don't hate you. Not anymore. I just won't give you the time of day. But I won't go out of my way to put you down or make fun of you like some people.

Maybe being in the face of marriage, kids, and a mortgage forces you to relinquish some of the tendencies you had in high school or college. Some people my age still do, and that's fine. I just think it's where a 26/27 year old shouldn't be. I try to distance from current and would-be friends that act like that.

So, do what you like. Watch, read, listen to what you want. Because, people of the world, you won't catch any more flack from this cowboy.

Currently listening : Things Fall Apart By The Roots Release date: By 23 February, 1999

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	Derek	I cant speak for all of the city, but i will anyway cus im just that cool, but sioux falls misses you too brother. Dont forget we still got a date on the 4th of july. You, me, and the Trannys, hahaha. Posted by Derek on Friday, February 02, 2007 at 8:39 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	Big JC	I think what you are saying here is why I have forgiven and forgotten beefs of the past I've had with yourself and the rest of our illustrious clan, as probably ya'll have with me. Time changes, none of really knew who we were, we had the wrong priority set on the wrong things. Now it's nice to know I have know some excellent guys for over a decade that if I am in KC or Reno or Minneapolis or Jacksonville, if some shit goes down, I probably know someone that's got my back. Nicely written piece. Posted by Big JC on Friday, February 02, 2007 at 4:51 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

MontERNa

I got "Things Fall Apart" last summer or fall (I can't remember exactly) and absolutely ADORE it. The title was more than a little appropriate for me when I bought it. ;) It's my theory that your theory is absolutely correct. When we find the things in life that we've really been searching for (whether or not we knew we were searching for those particular things), we don't need anything else in our lives. We're content in our own skin. I had the same experience when I got married - I was 22! Luckily, I've retained most of that even through and after the divorce. And I can't drink beer - dunno why. It makes me barf, even if I just have one. Well, maybe more than one (two has done it), but I'm not taking any chances. I like wine. Does that, too, make me old?? Posted by MontERNa on Friday, February 02, 2007 at 6:10 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]