blank Category: Life
Clear and concise, it's something that is the exact opposite of what my writing is when it's down to something that I am thinking and feeling. So, for those of you that only like my humorus numbers on things I hate, or bands I like (or hate), this may not be the entry for you. Right now I'm in the middle of a moment from the past few days and I need to capture it while I'm still here, because it's not something I think I could go back to tomorrow. So, for those of you that do like the ramble-y drivel that I can produce when I'm in the middle of an introspective catharsis, then stick around because it promises to probably involve you. If not, sorry, I guess I can't please everyone even though I really do try.
Most of you know that I am in Sioux Falls, many of you I probably saw this weekend as a matter of fact. Please don't take the next few statements personally, because I love you all and you are all the reason why I do come back when not met with a holiday, graduation, or reunion obligation. I've noticed that I've become what I really pictured myself to be now that I am with Stephanie full time and now reside in Kansas City. I always felt that this city stifled me, and so with it most of the people that I come into contact with that I don't "know." That's not to say I look down my nose at people that love to live here, because that's great. I appreciate the people that live here and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I would be the first to stick up for my hometown, but it's not for me anymore and I'm not sure if it ever really was. I never felt totally calm and at piece with being here, even as a child. Coming back made me realize that it now represents not only things that I hate in general, but things I hate about me. It drummed up a few things that I had lingering inside.
As for the meaning behind the title...we're getting to that.
Take for instance this thought. Right now, at this very second, I wish I didn't have to go home. I wish I could just be home. I don't want to stay here another night, I don't want to get up and get ready to go, and I don't want to drive all the way back down to Kansas City. I just want to be there right now. Now, like I said before, but I will remind people reading this again. This sentiment has nothing to do with you individually or as a whole. My friends, no matter how scattered or disjointed they are because of class or social status, I love them all the same. Even though some seem to see the others as not as important or smart or what-have-you. For that, I feel like I'm very alone dispite the fact that I feel very cared for by each of my close and personal companions.
I'm not going to give you something chronological, or something that has a starting and an ending point to illustrate where I am going, or even while I am getting there. It's too boring, too expected and too typical. I'm not trying to give you the 73rd "this is who I am speech" but more of an understanding of where I am right now.
I wish all of my friends had the same face, same mind, same sense of humor, but that wouldn't make me me. Some days I hang out with the cool kid, some days I hang out with the one the cool kid makes fun of and still would if he saw them. And you know what? To hell with anyone that has a problem with that. If you can't understand that I have something in common with someone and like them for it and see value in that, then fuck you, mabye you aren't really my friend. The bottom line doesn't always equal the best friend. Take that as you will.
Inside of my family has always lived the same social and financial pecking order, and I've always hated it. It was never family on the basis of family as a result of you having the same parents, it was always comparing who had what, knew someone, or was privey to something. It was always unsaid but always present. Even at a young age the lines that grown ups draw were visible. Maybe not in the same context that I am able to understand them in now, however they were there.
Somewhere along the way things changed. People marry, people divorce, people re-marry, people die and the way you learned to live is now turned upside down. It fucks everything up because you don't know how to act around your own people. By people I mean family of course. I never understood the hate that I held inside for so long, but it was so bound to what I've written in this entry that I couldn't believe it when it all came to fruition. I hated because I harbored all that the people in my family perpetuated. I tried to play to every side of the field because I wanted everyone to like me. When I found out that this is something a teenage kid could not handle, I checked out. I checked out for a long time.
I turned my back on a lot of things. Friends, college, the life I wanted when I was younger, most family members. This town reminds me of all of that. I don't think it's because I haven't dealt with the hand that I played, because I know I've been down that road many, many, many times. Sometimes, you just have to walk away. This isn't to say that Stephanie was my golden ticket, because she wasn't. This is something we both worked at. There are only maybe two people that I know of that may read this that will understand, and you will know who you are.
I need to break this mold of what my family is and will continue to be. I need to start something new, and I need the help of the one person who has been able to understand me without having to understand how I got there. She's been the only one who just took it and ran with it and didn't have to know all the shit and the glory that put me in the place I'm at right now. Unlike any other person I've tried to start a life with, and that's why she gets me. That's why I walked away from Sioux Falls, because she operates like the way I've always wanted to and that is with out any pretenses. Even though she'll tell you she's a snob, but she really never has been. At least not with this idiot.
I was getting somewhere with the first couple of sentences in the previous paragraph, and it goes as follows. I always thought that I had to fix my family that were my parents, step-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. You can't fix what has already been beyond broken for a long time. You can't salvage the people that want no part in being salvaged. You can mend fences, but you can always pick out the repairs from the original work.
My family is something that is yet to be written, and it's something that I intend to correct the mistakes that were made with my present, and past family. It's not to say things will be perfect, that's a dream you'll chase all your life and never realize, however it's an environment my kids don't have to endure. My family is hurting. They can be vindictive and very narcissistic. They are filled with guilt, and in turn wield that guilt as a tool to hide their own insecurities and to fulfill their own needs. It's a sad existence, but it doesn't mean they are completely lost, and I still love them and love being around them. Most of the time at least.
I've always felt different, I've always acted different, I've been thinking differently all of my life, different than everyone else that I know. That's why I've always been able to get along with anyone, because I've always searched for my own identity in everyone else. Because I can think like you. I can act like you, talk like you, like the the same things you do. It's not meant to be pretentious, it's just the way I feel, and it's just an opinion after all. I'm just now starting to understand that I have been like that all of my life. So if it's taken me until the age of 27 to realize that much, I'll have a lifetime to figure out why. Which is precisely what I intend to do, every day of my life.
 | Currently watching : The Departed (Two-Disc Special Edition) Release date: 13 February, 2007  |
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