Idle

Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

So you know when you haven't seen someone in awhile? I don't mean like a couple weeks or a couple months. I'm talking about a couple years, you know what I mean. It takes a little while to get used to them again. Sometimes you're not sure if the relationship that you used to have with them will exist anymore. You wonder if things that have happened between the two of you amount to something more than you can figure out in a 2 or 3 day visit. It seems like there is some tension, but then again, it may just be one sided. There is a lot of history with the person I'm talking about. There are things that are there that even some of my closest friends don't even know about. Issues that still go back pretty far and fairly deep and probably will never fully heal.

The older I get and the more of my own man that I become I am starting to realize things that may have actually been the truth when I was raised. I would say that to a certain extent the "wool was over my eyes" for quite some time with a lot of things. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is resentment or just an indifference for what this person set me up to be the last 10 years or so. When you know how you are, and what you are trying to change and you are still in that process, encountering the source of those issues are something that can be a huge step. It's not like I haven't told this person how I feel about things, because I have, many times. Sometimes you wonder when enough is enough.

He's getting older, and you can see age starting to catch up with a man who now has no energy left to outrun what is bound to happen in the next several years. When you live a life of contempt for others and a somewhat genuine hatred for people that you can't control, it takes it's toll in a physical way. This person not more that 10 years ago stood eye to eye with me, now it's not even close, the man has seemingly shrunk by 2 or 3 inches. The lifestyle habbits haven't changed dramatically, still smoking still drinking...

You are taught to respect and honor your father no matter what. However, when chipped away at enough you wonder what is really left. It's said that parents love their children unconditionally, does that same feeling reciprocate?

I've lived a bit of a strange existance when I sit down and think about it. It's ok to admitt it. I'm not saying "poor me" or "I'm so much worse off than other people" but you have to allow a bit of reality to seep in to your head. This person tried to breed me to dislike and hold the same feelings for those that he didn't understand, for those that didn't see eye to eye with him. It was basically him against the world, and he needed a partner, and when I lived with him the last two years I was in high school I was almost on the verge of being it.

Every person needs a support system. I shut out the ones that would have made a positive influence in my life, and relied on the one that would only support me if I did what he had planned for me. I learned to only rely on myself, and realized that the only way things would get taken care of in my life was by standing on my own two feet. This is true, but it only takes you so far. I learned to hate those around me, for no good reason at all. I shut people out and started down the path of sort of being a loner. Let me tell you, I did lead sort of a lonely existence for quite some time.

Today I'm talking about my brother's wedding and how excited I am for it. I'm met with a quip about how that whole situation went over when my mom told me he had contacted her. My sister even got in on the action, shamefully I might add. She's not old enough to really see the forest from the trees on this issue. I feel like I can't talk about much that is going on in my life because of the sea of negativity that flows beneth the surface of my Dad.

The person that's supposed to play catch with you, the person that's supposed to teach you right from wrong, the person that's supposed to tell you how to treat a lady, the person that's supposed to make you feel protected, the person that's supposed to do you no wrong and protect you from harm. My Father was none of these things.

He has taught me one valuable lesson however, and that's how not to treat others. If there is one thing that I do strive for it is to rely on those around me that love me back in a positive way, not a person who gives you a hundred dollar bill because he thinks you need "some spending money." I don't want someone that is all flash and show, I just wanted someone that was real. Someone that didn't need to make a first impression in all the wrong ways. Of course, you can't tell they are the wrong ways until you spend 26 years figuring out why you are the way you are.

So, for now I'm going to be a big person, hang out with him this weekend, see my sister's play and whatnot. I'm not sure what conversations will come out of this weekend, all I know is that the past few times they have been on the side of changing the face of our relationship, and finally in the favor of the person who does not intend to manipulate people into his view...

This is what happens when your dad is not your dad but your buddy instead...

Currently listening : Meddle By Pink Floyd Release date: 25 October, 1990