Technically, it's Thursday

Current mood: confused
Category: Life

3rd time is a charm, so here we go. And don't dismiss this entry because it's long, because it's about you.

I've never been the most honest peson in the world, whether it's telling the truth and being honest with myself or being myself around others. I've always had issues with how I view myself and it is reflected in the relationships and friendships I've had over the years and how most of them end up broken. I'll just come right out and say it. I am an insecure person. At least now I'm working on breaking that mold. For the longest time I was satisfied to present everyone with anything but the facts when it came to me. If you talk to people that really know me, I mean really know me, I can't honestly tell you what sort of response they would give you if you asked them about me. I think I've been somewhat of an enigma most of my life.

That last statement leaves me very empty. Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not looking for a pity party with this entry, however you get to a certain part of your life when you realize you've fucked up quite a bit over the years and coping with it isn't always the easiest thing in the world to do.

All (by all I mean most) of the friends I have on MySpace I know in real life and have had a relationship with in some capacity. Most of the people are part of groups (seperate from each other) that I've been associated with over the years. Once I have been around people long enough and my bullshit has rubbed off on them, they usually get tired of me and my antics and wash their hands of me. Now while I've sort of reconnected with them through the beauty of MySpace, when I leave comments or send emails I usually don't get any response in return. When I look on all of their pages they all communicate with each other and genuinely like keeping in contact with one another. Can't say I would blame most people on here for not responding to me, it's not like I've let anyone really get to know me over the years. I just put up the same smartass routine to keep people at bay just enough to not really figure out that I'm not comfortable with who I am. I never wanted people to know that. Most of my life I've always wanted to be better than everyone else, but I know I never have been. It may not make sense, but trust me, it's a hard way to live. I think that when I've done that in the past it makes it easy for those I've been friends with to forget about me, because they never really got to know me. Or what I thought was me. Or what they thought was me. I've found that I'm easy to forget about and when I do decide to pop back up again and most often ask themselves or each other "who is this guy?"

Like I said, I don't want a pity party and that's not what I'm looking for. I'm not wanting a bunch of comments from people saying that I really am a good guy and I shouldn't be so down on myself. But I wouldn't be helping myself or honest with myself if that's what I was after.

Rather than focus on the connections I made that were real in my life I was always looking for something I thought was better. Or someone who was "cooler." I wish I were a little more articulate to describe my point a little better but I'm not really capable of tackling that challenge tonight. I think that people that read this that do know me a little bit know what I'm getting at. There were always certain groups of people that I hung out with that I would be ashamed to be seen with or be associated with because they weren't the coolest people around. That was stupid, and I'm sorry for that. I've abandoned and damaged a lot of really good relationships because of my insecurites.

Some of us are honest to a fault, the rest of us are genetically predispositioned in the opposite direction. I greatly respect and admire the former.

I try hard everyday to be honest with the relationships that I have now. It's all I've got right at the moment. I've left myself a very lonely person when it comes to the scope of the friendship pool. That's not to say I need a bunch of friends to feel loved, it's just that the ones that have really mattered to me in the past I feel like I've gone out of my way to erase.

Currently listening : Cryptograms By Deerhunter Release date: By 06 February, 2007

1:40 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Derek	One of the hardest things in the world is finding a way to show people who you really are inside. It's tough to try and show people how you see yourself. What i've just read you describe is something that i'm pretty sure every single person in the world has done or felt at one point in their life. Deep down everyone wants to be the alpha male, but some turn out to be the beta or even worse the omega, but how they see themselves when no one else is around doesnt always match their status in life. Believe it or not, even with being the youngest of 4 brothers, and the butt of most of the jokes of "our" group for years, i still think pretty highly of myself inside. I've had times where i thought "god, what dicks, im so much better than them cus i dont stoop to their level". Not saying that makes me a bad guy or a good guy, just saying its normal. And alot of people seem to have this notion that just because "you" are trying to erase them from your life that that means "they" are willing to let you erase them. Ive had plenty of people in my life that have flat out told me im not worth their time anymore, but i still love them dispite it. thats just how cool i am. Posted by Derek on Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 8:54 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	MontERNa	See, I've always been who I am, take it or leave it. I've had periods where I wore my heart on my sleeve a little more - but those were just more disastrous. I think I end up losing friendships because people have some strange idea that at some point, I'll settle down - be less loud, less outgoing, less opinionated - I dunno. But that doesn't happen and they go away. I've never been someone else's "best friend," their #1. That makes me sad, I won't lie. But then I remember that now I have so many GREAT friends - the ones who stick around are always really amazing people who bless my life every day. So anyway, those are my thoughts. Posted by MontERNa on Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 6:29 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

J.F. Whitaker

You're a really good guy, Zach and you shouldn't be so down on yourself. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED, YOU NAPPY HEADED HO?!?!? I can relate to all the mushy stuff you mentioned in your (once again) mile-long blog. I didn't know you were a friggin' liar...thanks for the heads up. I suppose all these things happen as you get old. And then you die. I'm pretty sure second-guessing the way you've lived or the friendships you've gained or lost never ends. It's strange to me because most people are brought up to think that they must be surrounded by others at all times...then high school ends, figuratively speaking. I can definitely say it's hard not to dwell on all the "what if's" as I get older, but if I had done the things that I didn't do or vice/versa I probably wouldn't be sitting here posting a reply on your blog... ...and the space-time continuum goes on. Posted by J.F. Whitaker on Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 8:53 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]