Stay Out

Ok, so this will be short, sweet and for my eyes only...

I want to use this as a vantage point for future reference. So my girlfriend of 5 or 6 months/friend for 6 years, has this diary on a website. She's been keeping it for quite some time. I always used to read it when we were together, but I hadn't kept up with it until we got back together. She locked it up almost be request because I didn't think I was ready to read what went on before me. Well, she undid it today and it took me not less than 15 minutes of reading to discover something that I didn't want to. It's this guy she used to date, and that she's still friends with. Is it weird that for 2 minutes every once in awhile that this bothered me before? Now it's sort of creeping in and bugging me even more. It has nothing to do with the guy himself, i've never been a jealous guy, I know who I am and what I'm worth. It's just how she feels, that's what gets me I'm thinking.

I've been left by someone for an ex when after we had moved in together and things had been patched up and we were moving to the point of getting back to being very good for each other again. Just like that, poof, I was on the outside and wondering where I had gone wrong. So excuse me for being a little hyper-sensitive about this issue.

I don't want her to stop being friends with this person. I firmly believe in the fact that friends are friends, and you can't come between that, especially good friends. I'm just torn right now, and the fact that there is distance between us makes it that much worse.

I have a complex about not being able to measure up to the people that I love the most. I'm not sure that I can provide everything that this person deserves, or at least more than what the other guy can do.

I don't want to push the issue too much and cause a rift, but I always have to know, I always have to dig a little bit deeper. I've always sacrificed personal piece of mind in my relationships than for the greater good of the union itself. I guess that makes me a selfesh person. Or does it?

For the longest time I've always relied on the prospective of "looking out for #1, because no one else is going to do this." When am I going to abandon this and put down the weight of the world, and open myself to start a life with someone else. Maybe the only reason this whole thing bothers me is because it's pointing out one of my greatest shortcomings, and it hurts. I've been carrying hate and anger for too long. I just pray that I've figured out how to purge some of that and how to contain it when I do get mad, I really am dreading this person seeing my darker side. She says she wants to see all sides of me, but I don't know how ready she is sometimes.

Now that I've written that, I now know that what I read isn't what is bothering me, it's me that is bothering me. It seems like my journey isn't done quite yet. Maybe the curse of distance in this relationship is a bit of a blessing in disugise, so I can relinquish the stain that I've carried with me for so long. I want so badly to just release all of it. From my parents divorce, to being degrated by my father, physcially and emtionally, from even being picked on to being beat up by the kids in my neighborhood. I know it sounds like I should be on Dr. Phil or something, but you can't imagine having your ass kicked from the age of 6 to 13, having to go out and deal with that from the older kids in your neighborhood, to having the sanctuary of your home being anything but that, you know what I mean I'm sure.

I'm not saying I've had the toughest life, but I'm waiting for something to pan out that is positive. As I've said, my brother finding my family is the only positive thing to happen in a very very long time. Hopefully this thing with Stephanie will yield the same results, that's what I'm really hoping for. I'm not pushing it, because it seems to be working out naturally, and for that I'm happy. I just have to realize that I'm not and haven't been the only person in her life, just like I needed to get that fact through my head with all the others. I don't want to point fingers, but she can hardly stand to hear about anything that had to do with past girlfriends, much less read what I did tonight. But now after typing this, it's fine. It was a classic Zach over reacation, and I'm glad it's taken me only 20 minutes to realize this rather than days months or years, like it used to.

At the risk of being more rambly, I'm done.