thoughtful Category: Romance and Relationships
So, Saturday night and it's 11:55 and I'm home not doing much. Went to the company holiday party tonight, not too bad. Just got off the phone with Steph, which is always the nightly routine. I'm happy to say that it's still the best way to end my day. I can't complain about the things that are going on with us right now. In fact, I couldn't be happier, sans distance of course. However, we are working on changing all of that. So back to my opening line. Why am I not out right now? I guess I'm really not sure. Maybe it's because what I'm looking for I've already found. But is that really the point of going out all the time? I really don't think that's totally it, but I do think most people do go out to find others to be with. Well, if they're single of course. Who knows, may just be me.
I'll be going back down in a couple of weeks, which I couldn't be more excited about. Most of the time when I'm out all I can think about is how much more fun I would be having if she were there with me. Sometimes I stop and wonder if I'm shortchanging myself by thinking like that. Then again, maybe I'm not. I think people love their independence, which is fine because I do as well. However, maybe the issue is they define it in the wrong way. Just because I think I'd be having more fun with my girlfriend with me doesn't make me weak or too dependent on her, it just means that I really enjoy her company when I'm with her, and she would completely enhance any activity I'm involved in.
I think I'm starting to go down the path of not wanting too much from others around me. I think I'm starting to see the next part of my life starting to unfold. Your life seems to go in stages that are never 100efined in black and white. Sometimes you have to read between the lines. Cliched line I know, but it's common for a reason after all. What do I mean by not wanting too much from others? Most people go through the early stages of their life being reliant on their parent(s) and spend most of the time there after trying to break away from them while finding their own identity. Once that's acheived, you feel strong enough to start finding an identity within someone else. You find things out about yourself that you can't see on your own. They seem to notice the things you can't pick up on. The one's that can truely see into what makes you the person you've spent your whole life creating are the people that should be kept close to you. When you find those people, you don't have to ask much from them, therefore not wanting anything from them in the sense of needing anything in the form of personal gain. You just feel better about yourself and you feel like more of a complete person. I think you cease trying to find a reason for life through a multitude of people.
My point is that I believe (not just think) that I have found that person. Of course for people that read this, I know she'll be reading this entry, and that's cool because she knows how I feel. You have to understand that a person you can talk to on the phone with for an hour or two every night with no exception is something that is very cool for me. I'm a conversationalist, always have been. It's not like it's a task, I never find myself saying "ok, time to call my girlfriend (or her call me, which is 99f the time haha) let's get it over with, got some other things to do." No, it's not like that at all. It's what I look forward to everyday. We haven't missed a night, no matter how short since I came back from Mexico in April. Sound a little weird? Sound like I'm too dependent on talking to this person? Maybe you should read the above paragraphs again. I'm not really trying to justify myself, sometimes it just feels good to get your thoughts down on "paper."
You shouldn't give up the good things you've found in life because you think someone else my turn a critical eye to how you handle your personal life. What we do works for us in a way that is unique to us and I wouldn't trade it for anything. We've found a way to operate that satisfies our needs as independent people and people in a relationship, dependent on one another to be happy within said relationship. Everyone is capable of being happy on their own for the short term. But their comes a time when you need that companion for the long term. I'm not saying the conventional term of getting married is for everyone, but for most people it's a time honored tradition for a reason.
Here is something personal, I usually don't do this, but I'm going to anyway. Tonight for the first time, I said in plain English to her that when I move down it's "with the intention of marrying you." When you cross that boundry, there really (this is just opinion mind you) is no going back in a totally positive way. It may have been one of the most honest comments I've made.
What am I really trying to say with all this rambling? I don't think it's too hard to pick up on. Basically I'm ready to move on to the next stage (figurative and literal, the "move" part that is) of my life. I'm excited to see what that next part of life has in store. These are the things that make you want to get out of bed in the morning. You can't be too driven by making a lot of money, or having the best things on the block. You have to find that deeper meaning, everyone has to search to find out what makes them want to face the day. I don't want to live a boring life, and I don't think that I ever will.
 | Currently listening : Speak For Yourself By Imogen Heap Release date: 01 November, 2005 |
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