Current mood:
sore
Category:
Life You ever have one of those days where you feel like the walls of your life are closing in around you? I'm sure most everyone does, however do you feel like this happens more often than you would like and there is seemingly no escape? I don't feel like I'm not meeting certain goals in my life, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. However, some days it feels like I'm missing a part of me. This is no fault of anyone that is currently in my life or has been in my life in the past. It sounds cliché, but I believe the problem may be me.
For no apparent reason, I feel very small today. I can't really get past that sentence or thought and I'm not sure why. It's been my roadblock since about 6:45 am. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as in touch with my feelings as I am. Then again, would I be feeling these same types of emotions if I didn't know how to label or quantify them? I would think that a certain amount of frustration would come in to play. This year is housing one of the happiest and most anticipated events that most people experience, next to having a child, and that is marriage. Well, on the personal side of anticipated events anyway. I moved to Kansas City last fall, as many of you know, to be with my future wife. It was something that I had to work towards because of certain people in my past that affected my future at the time. That was very vague, I know. So it was in a sense an accomplishment to finally get out of Sioux Falls and into a city where I wanted to be. Not that I don't love my friends and family in SF, it was just time for me to move on.
In the midst of this accomplishment, I find myself to be lacking something in my own mind. Did my expectations fail my sense of better judgment? Did I build up living in Kansas City, Missouri as the end all be all of human existence? To a certain degree I believe I did. I enjoy being here and I am starting to love this city. As I've said before, for some odd reason this place always did feel like home to me even when I did not live here. Now, it's not so much "an odd reason" and I know it feels like home because Stephanie is here and she always has been. To me, that is the most important factor in all of this.
It could be a shocking coincidence that certain outlooks are changing at the same time of my move, than again when a man prepares for a lifetime with a woman it may tend to change his overall perspective on life. That same perspective I have spent the previous years of my life trying to figure out. I just edited that sentence from second to first person. I've noticed that in my writings that when I don't understand something or dislike something about myself I always label myself as "you" rather than "I." Just an observation. I'll try to not separate my perceived self from myself in reality. I'm trying to change my narratives from "you" to "me." We'll see how many times I catch myself perpetrating this act of passive self story telling.
People have certain personality traits. Some people are good at acting, some are good at athletics. Then there are the people that have traits that require a closer inspection. They have an ability to talk in front of crowds, the ability to draw you in and make you pay attention to only them. I'd like to talk about my ability, something that I think skips a generation in my family, sort of like male pattern baldness (to which I also suffer from). My Grandmother has had (and this has been told to me by countless family members and friends of the family) the uncanny ability to assess a person after about 10 minutes of meeting them. A simple way to label this would be that ability to judge character. It's a very dangerous sort of game to play, if you are an extrovert and like to broadcast your findings like my Grandmother. You can end up hurting a lot of feelings in the process of your life. Back to what I was saying... There are other factors that will contribute to my theory I'm about to divulge, however I feel like the main piece in my Grandma becoming a bitter person in her old age is her being hyper in tune with how people are. She is very akin to people are capable of, whether that be good or bad.
In her own way, she has been able to predict the outcome of most of my relationships when she has actually met my companion. She's been able to tell me, before things went sour, how they would go sour and what to watch for with some of the girls I've dated. What's that you're asking? Of course I didn't listen. Would you chalk this up to experience? I'm not so sure. The people that I know are generally all good people and put others before themselves. If you are reading this it means you are my friend and someone I've chosen to spend time with at one point or another in my life. Of course there are certain selfish aspects to each one of our personalities, but for the most part all of you are good people. Really, I mean that in the nicest way possible.
The roadblock I eluded to earlier is that this "ability" to read people either protects me from people that would do harm, or is harming me from meeting people that may do good. I sit back in my desk and watch people mill around my office interacting every day. I hear their problems with customers and with each other. Then I will see them interacting, never even coming within spitting distance of solving their issues with each other. Just silently gritting their teeth behind a smile and a common bond of working with one another. In the meantime I get to know exactly none of them because I see the folly and hypocrisy in their ways. I'm not trying to act holier than thou and as if I am not of the same ability, however the degree that most people practice this art is highly disturbing to me.
So am I on my way to becoming a bitter old man? Am I destined to be cynical and only find the bad in people? I've struggled with the thought for the past few years about this being a blessing or a curse. While it helps push people out that are potentially bad, it also has pushed some people away that are very good. Most days I feel like I'm hopping from one foot to the next with my personal makeup. It's very tiring and most days I want it to just stop so I can see the good in everyone.
 | Currently listening :
So Tonight That I Might See
By Mazzy Star
Release date: By 05 October, 1993 |
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